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2019-07-05 14:33:13 (UTC)

Things are good

"Aurora Borealis" by Lemon Demon

Beneath apocalyptic snowflakes from above
We're not in peril, we are in apocalove
So let's go walking, or Christmas shopping
No, let's do something a bit more shocking
Let's go to the windmill
Let's find some catharsis
Let's go to the graveyard in cover of darkness
*And it's okay, I've done this tons of times
Well, maybe once a year since I was very young
It will be fine, okay?
I do this all the time
And nothing could go wrong
Unless that's what you'd like* [my fav part]
Is this the first time that you've ever seen Aurora Borealis crush mankind?
The wind chimes chiming with the screams
A pretty winter night
Your hand in mine
The horizon is a fog from the breath of everyone
And I hope you're having fun
I just had to share with someone
This is the empty building that I call my home
Baby it's cold inside, don't leave me here alone
There's no good movies, but there's a fire
Well, scented candles that are on fire
So let's take the night off
Be joyful and joyously enjoy the moonrise
And let it destroy us
See, it's okay
As long as we believe we'll be okay
As if anything could go wrong on Christmas eve
Okay, you know I'm glad you're here
So I can show you this before I disappear
Is this the first time that you've ever seen Aurora Borealis crush mankind?
A flashlight underneath my chin
A pretty winter night
Your hand in mine.
Now we're swallowed by the fog from the breath of everyone
I can barely see you now, but your smile is a frown
Yeah i knew it had to stop because I always mess it up
And I get it if you run
I just had to share with someone

July 5, 2019 Friday 2:35 PM

I'm so pleased with life, I might die!!!!!! Ho-ly shit.
First of all: this song reminds me of Adrian, which is usually a bad thing, but in this case it is okay. He always gave very nice recommendations as far as music and art went. He recommended this song long before we were close friends—I think at this point he only had a crush on me. When I think about this part of friendship I start to miss him, because I remember how he did embarrassing things, like bring his guitar to art class and singing by my table... not really at me but definitely with the intention of showing me. And everyone at our table was rolling our eyes because that is, by definition, obnoxious. But I've always been very forgiving to a fault so instead of thinking of him like that, I thought maybe he just wasn't great with social cues (which is also not wrong); so I was embarrassed on his behalf, and I was relieved when he was done. I thought it was kind of sweet, though. He did this several times over the course of our friendship, lmao. I remember him climbing up on a table with his guitar and singing "Girl From North Country," and while the display was annoying, it did introduce me to the song.

Back then I also had a bit of a crush on him, which would go away in the next few months as I got to know him. He sent me this song by Lemon Demon too; sometime over the summer break before Junior year possibly. Which reminds me of Alexis, too. These days, nostalgia is my only social currency with Alexis, which breaks my heart sometimes. We used to say we were the type of friends who could become estranged for years and then come back and everything would be the same and I still wonder if that is true. But I believe I will be in contact with her forever so maybe I don't need to mourn "the way things used to be," you know? I still will, of course. I want to reflect on the good and bad times we had.

Anyway that's what is on my mind today. This song came into my life when I had a crush on a weird and talented guy (who turned out to have a bunch of problems, but it was good until it wasn't. And now it has come into my life again when I have an intense crush on a co-worker and it just feels right.

Let me recap my week, lmao.
After crying and enduring what could've easily become a panic attack on Monday, I was just... fragile. The next day I went to therapy and I basically screamed the whole time. I felt so bad for Lancelot, for having to endure my weird energy. I was a demon. I wasn't myself, I just felt so out of control and agonized.
I think earlier that day I had heard Melvin talking about a girl with his friend, idk. His friend, Sam (who scares me), was like, "Just hit her up and say, hey, wanna hang," and Melvin just shook his head and was like, "Nah. I don't think she wants to talk to me," and Sam, like, scoffed and said "Is she here for the summer?" or maybe it was phrased like, "She's here for the summer, isn't she?" or possibly, "Isn't she here for the summer?" All mean slightly different things about the intent of the question. Like, about whether Sam already knows where the subject is, or if he is asking for confirmation, etc.
And Melvin answered, "Yeah," and Sam asked either where she was staying or where she was from, I didn't hear and I was only half paying attention. Wish I knew now what the question was. And Melvin said, "Boston," and Sam said, "Boston? As in Massachusetts? Not Texas?" and then I looked up and made eye contact with Melvin and Sam asked where I was from and I told him Upstate NY (capital region) and Melvin offered his condolences, which I accepted because Albany is a trash town even if I have affection towards it.

It made me wonder if they were talking about me and I was absolutely convinced they were for a while, but then I realized they probably weren't, which made me sad again. But surprisingly, I got over it the next day and I felt less desperate for attention which was nice. And I felt bad on Wednesday, as I still had a headache. That headache actually lasted until yesterday afternoon. That's like a full week I think. I started to feel significantly better, as far as mood goes, after it went away and I've felt really good and happy and inspired since. Which tends to happen after a migraine ends.

Sophie and I spent all day cooking yesterday and then Greg came over and we ate. And then Goose came home while we were watching National Treasure, and a bit after that we walked to the park by the bay to see the fireworks. Clock came along too. I named him in my last July 4th entry because he's friends with Goose. But I've also spoken to Clock a few times throughout the year because we both work at the radio station. He's a really nice guy. He seems to hate Melvin, lmao, and the feeling is mutual. I honestly understand—Melvin is kind of intense and at first glance he kind of seems arrogant.

Anyway, the fireworks were really fun. Moby was there with his girlfriend and I think he waved to me. I waved back. I've seen him around town pretty frequently but we haven't said hello just because I don't really know how to bridge the awkwardness between us and I think the same is true for him. But I bear no hard feelings towards him and I hope it's the same for him. I think he's a really cool guy.

The fireworks were fine. Kind of boring, but just the concept of them and the memories I've attached to July 4 were enough to make me very happy. I realized this is one of my favorite holidays. Not necessarily for what it means, but for what occurs??? I love the casualness of it; Christmas is too big a holiday for me to fully enjoy, but July 4 is kind of chill even if it is a national holiday. We could've done nothing all day and it would've been fine. We hung out, cooked America-themed food, drank, listened to bad patriotic country music, watched the fireworks.... It was just so fucking nice. I felt so good.

Greg and I spent a lot of time talking about music and movies, which was super fun. I'm going to try and invite him over more often to hang out; I always get a bit scared because part of me thinks he is indifferent to me and I want to matter to him so that our small friend group—Nadiya, Maria, Greg and I—can just all be connected one way or another??? But I don't know why it freaks me out so much; he is always so nice and engaged when I actually interact with him.

Karina is going to visit this weekend! She's coming later today and we are going to binge Stranger Things season 3, which is already fixing to be a disappointing iteration, but whatever lmao. It doesn't need to be good, it just needs to play up on the viewers' nostalgia, for the aesthetic and for the show itself. I swear to god Stranger Things is a fanfiction of itself at this point, by which I mean it has taken the core characters and themes of the original season and transposed them into very different situations and almost different genres (as fanfiction often does). But I'm okay with that. It's kind of great.

I'm excited for that. Last night I had very vivid dreams, one of which involved Greg and Sophie astral projecting themselves into my bedroom, lmao. Sophie lost some raspberries recently in real life (we don't know if someone ate them or what), and I had a dream they were buried in a bowl of blueberries, a fruit which she does not like. And there was some sort of apocalypse happening. I saw Melvin and he was happy to see me for some reason, and we joked around for a bit and then he asked me to dinner and kissed me. But when the kiss was over he said he wasn't real and I was thinking to myself that I already kind of knew that. And later I was on a school bus full of children. We were going up these winding onramps and I knew the brakes were broken. We flew off the road and soared off that bit of dipped land that occurs between freeways and landed gently. The bus shrank and disappeared and no one was there anymore except for me and the empty looping highway. And then a girl came up to me and led me to her house and we had sex. I kept wanting to fuck her so bad but she was busy. I didn't care about her. In fact she was kind of mean. But I wanted to fuck her. Her mom was suspicious of us and I needed to act like we weren't fucking, and my dream ended sort of shortly after that. Actually I think that is when the Melvin thing occurred and then I woke up and I felt so good even if it wasn't real???

I don't know. Everything was just nice. I feel okay. I am going to chill, listen to music, etc. I might buy Firewatch bc it's on sale. Yay!