Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2019-06-25 16:18:18 (UTC)

So I'm at the coffee shop ..

So I'm at the coffee shop again today.
my dog died yesterday.

So. I'm back at my routine today. I felt bad for leaving home late in the day yesterday, but I'd already decided earlier on this week that my life is here; my routine is in place, and I just wanted to get back to building it. Especially after my best buddy passed on. I just want to get back to being a better person in his honor really.

It's such a shock to me. He was only like 7. He had bladder cancer within the span of 24 hours they had to put him down because it just progressed too far and he was in pain. It hurts me to know he had to go this way. And I didn't get to say goodbye. It's like one day he's here, the next day he disappeared. But I won't forget.

I feel like I should be fully transparent and say that I'd noticed before walking him, throughout the year, he's had bloody stool off and on. I could be held guilty because I'd only told my dad and he said to wait and see if it went away. I knew that wasn't the right response; he was just more interested in saving money. If I'd told my mom she would've taken him to the vet right away. I should've. But at the same time he wasn't showing any visible signs of pain from what I could tell. But even if we did catch it earlier, it's cancer. I have little hope that cancer treatment for dogs would be effective or cost efficient. It's probably better that we didn't know.
and now I'm trying not to cry.

So being a better person. Obviously going back to college I'm making an effort at being better finally. It's hard.
Mostly because my goals are confused and vague. And then I let myself think more about obstructions than how I can get around.

My biggest goal, I think, is overcoming anxiety. I have a lot of it that gets sparked around trying to do work, or coming into my own voice and acting in accordance to my values really. I have some internalized cynicisms that act out as anxiety in the most perplexing ways. It can be physical, and psychosomatic basically, but that doesn't make it any less real. But that aside,
I guess the real goal here is to get out of my own way.
And to let my subconscious get reprogrammed instead of fighting it constantly.

I realized the other day again how I let myself fall victim to hoplessness because even when I do put in the work, it's even more work to let myself accept the reward to it too.
Being of this world and in it isn't something natural to me at this point.

But focusing on that isn't really what I need either.




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