Dande

dandelion seeds
2019-06-27 19:27:57 (UTC)

anger and sadness

the only thing i can think to write about that can be somewhat productive to my mentality right now is to write about anger and sadness. i think it's a good way to start a journal like this off on when the two describe all of my issues more broadly. it's hard to remember that i'm not angry and that i'm sad, and it's hard not to be sad through anger. the way my father and my mother always acted growing up seems to show evidence of my choice of role models. my uncle and my cousin, too. i never knew any of the issues going on with any of them. i know my cousin couldn't have wanted to join the navy sincerely, but i know it felt like her only choice without hearing her ever say anything about it. i know it's hard living as a mature child taking care of your aunt's kids by the time you're fourteen. i know it's hard when she integrated and became a part of our immediate family unit for a while through my uncle divorcing her half-sister's mom. she always came over barefoot, and she usually made the trip if mom was making mashed potatoes. my uncle is a drunk. he's a nice drunk. but he's still a drunk. usually a sad drunk, too, though. i can't imagine what their house was like when i wasn't over there. or i can. he did come home when i stayed the night with them. it made me want to take care of him and do everything i could to help him out. he's so depressed. i think my dad should've been friends with my uncle gary instead of my uncle jeff. they seem to relate a lot.

i never knew my uncle was bisexual. i'm certain my nana gave me the hushed rumor stories about a distant cousin of hers that was gay was a cover up to vent about my uncle. she always said she didn't agree that gay people couldn't go to heaven but it also was something she wasn't at peace with or sure about. she talked about how she loved her cousin despite him being gay. its really sad thinking of how my uncle must have felt being kept a shameful secret like that. i wish i could still talk to him like when i was younger. i miss him a lot. especially when i know now without his consent that he and i relate more than i would've thought.

they're all so performative calm. so distant. just like all my favorite anime characters. sesshomaru's a pretty obvious example. although not being allowed to process my emotions made it hard to not have outbursts- i always wanted to be cool the way i thought my cousin and uncle were growing up. the way i thought sesshomaru was. i've warped so much around that that i can't feel the way i should even with positive emotions. there's also the reinforcement from people calling me annoying when i was excitable.

but now every time i feel something positive i struggle to express it. every time i feel sad though? i feel anger. anger both that i can't just not feel sad and anger that i can't stop being angry. i cry when i'm angry because anger is just covering up what i don't know how to express. why is it i can only show anger? the people i idolized never showed me anger but i saw plenty of it at home. that's why i glue so much to angry characters. that's why i click with the idea of being angry to the point it's mean in characters. everyone was a bully at home. everyone was a bully at school. it's so ridiculously normalized that even though i have such a high standard for myself to be a good person that i am surprised that people think i'm mean when i snap over something upsetting me. but it's obvious? communication shouldn't be between lecturing, screaming, or distance. it should be straightforward. it should show the hurt sincerely and not spitefully.
i just wish it was easy to figure out how to do that after spending so long only knowing communication in those forms.




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