memento mori

memento mori
2019-06-25 13:54:50 (UTC)

for me

I met my friends today. I wasn't that giddy like our previous meetings. We talked a lot about ourselves today. They talked about me, which I hated. I hate that part so much. They called me pretty BUT I'm too fat so I guess that does not count. I actually could care less if that's what they think will motivate me to do shit to lose weight. I want to lose weight too. I just need time how to tell myself that what I'm doing is too much already. I'm having a hard time grasping everything around my hand, or If I can't grasp it, I don't think I can survive while everything is working around me. I am too overwhelmed with everyone and everything. We had performance task today, I wasn't that nervous but I AM- really like I don't think I can remove that feeling out of my system in every situation coming up. I heard two boys behind me talking about this girl, well, this girl...she's fat

I hate it so much. I hate how I can hear their point of view while the girl is collecting all the courage to come at the front and do what she had to. She's just doing the things everybody does too. It's not different than what was everyone doing but she somehow caught the attention of judging eyes. Now, I'm still wondering what they were saying about me while I was up at the front, doing what everybody is doing, minding my own business, thinking about how I got guts to stand there and speak, over thinking about every move I make, about how I look pathetic losing eye contact with everyone, how I would stand out just without doing nothing because, because I was too fat. I was too ugly. I'm not great to look at. Thinking about how I annoy everyone in that room because of the lack of confidence I had with myself.

Did I receive a harsh comment behind my back too? Did they laugh? Were they happy making fun of me? Was I too horrible?


I want to be pretty.