LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2019-06-24 12:55:49 (UTC)

just goin'

"Trouble Found Me" by Hop Along

June 24, 2019 Monday 12:56 PM

On Friday I once again felt on the verge of a panic attack and when I got home I cried on the toilet, lmao. But I managed to do a Healthy Thing (TM), which was to text my mom and Karina about my feelings. Karina was super nice about it and I felt better and decided to take a walk. Mom (who is currently in Nicaragua) thought I was actually sick because of my vague wording, and so she got my dad (who is still in NY) to call me. My dad seemed to understand that I was depressed. More like living in a state of constant unyielding anxiety, but :) still.

He told me about how he gets depressed when Mama leaves. He says he's not a big talker but he likes her company very much. Which made me sad/happy. They may fight a lot, but I think they love each other. At the very least my dad loves and depends on my mom. It makes me worry a bit about what happens when they get old and die. Who is going to die first? My mom. She has always had health problems. And I remember her telling me the chemotherapy advanced her age a decade.

Is it going to be like it is with my grandparents right now? I called my grandma on father's day and she answered the phone by saying "Sally," which is her name. And then she followed it with, "Jessa," which is my cousins name, and in the background my grandpa was saying, "It's VERONICA." And after chatting with her, I spoke the grandpa and he said it was nice to talk to someone after being stuck in a hospital room all day. Same cycle of activity in there, I guess. I am still kind of distressed by the severity with which age has changed the people I know. I wouldn't call my grandparents ever-present figures in my life, but I've definitely been having a lot of nightmares about my grandma since she had a heart attack a couple of months ago. So there's that. She's a ghost.

I feel like I only ever had one real conversation with her, which I remember very vividly. We were in a small cabin in the Adirondack mountains when I was probably around 17 years old, just about to enter New Visions (a Scientific Research & World Health program—college-level work for high schoolers and based out of a Public Health college). I know because I spent a lot of that vacation reading Genome and stuff. Everyone else left to go on a hike and it started pouring rain, and we could see it through the floor-to-ceiling windows that made up the back wall of the cabin. Grandma was sitting outside and she came back in before getting too wet. And I was sitting down with my New Visions work, and she was looking through it. She said I had my work cut out for her, and she started telling me about what I was like as a child and what she was like as a child. Basically went through her whole life.

Anyway. Yeah. I don't want to think about this again.

Right now, I'm sitting at home. I don't have work today or tomorrow. I'm trying to be productive, but the issue is that I feel a little... lost. Like I'm behind ten feet of glass. I am not enjoying anything. Not inspired by anything. I haven't been listening to music because it just feels like nothing, haha. And music is my favorite thing. Idk. We'll see. I'm watching Castle Rock, too. If they are able to maintain the small town horror aesthetic, it will be a good show. I think I'm going to do that. I slept like 11 hours but I feel like my brain needs rest.

GOOD THINGS:
Yesterday Sophie made pozole stew from scratch and it was really fuckin' good! We also went to the flea market earlier in the day and I got a really cute necklace. And a bug for my mama, since she is a creep woman. Yesterday was a nice day. The sun felt good on my back. Until it burned the skin, but still!!!!!!!!!!! I felt good.


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