I wanna be me again
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2: My summer so far
FInding a job is hard. Especially when you’re a high school graduate looking for a 2-month job with barely any experience. An internship is easier to find however, they aren’t always paid. I started looking for jobs back in March and literally got nowhere. Summer week 1 passed no job, Week 2 also no job. Slowly my summer expectations were crumbling before my eyes.
Let’s take a moment to talk about how stressful it is to find a job. For me to function I need to have something to do, to occupy my time with, or I basically go insane. I also feel super guilty when I’m not being productive. Which meant if I didn’t have a job I had to spend every waking moment looking for one. In addition, I was getting treatment and in recovery so working long hours looking for a job was not feasible. Despite being in recovery my parents still wanted me to have a job. But I felt really guilty looking for a job that wouldn’t last very long. The closest I got was with Subway and they ended up turning me down.
One of my friends at the time was also dealing with a lot of pressure from her parental units to get a job. She ended up working at Subway, and I am very happy for her. I, on the other hand, started looking for an internship. I had a “friend” that had this one internship working in the field with bugs, which to me sounded amazing. I contacted the researcher and over the span of two weeks, we were able to get everything in order for me to start on Monday. Did I mention that this was supposed to be paid? Or according to the “friend” they pay later on when they know you aren’t doing it for the money... whoops.
I was really excited because I wanted to have this internship, and I would finally have something to do. As fate would have it, I would be prevented from doing this internship because of my mom. She claimed that it was outside and the outside was bad for me. I was furious but somehow also calm. I tried to reason with her and my dad. I explained to him how I need to do something or my mind would drive off a cliff. So we struck a deal. I would intern with my dad and work on databases and he would get me the laptop I desired cause mine is falling apart. Well the cheaper one, but hey still a new laptop.
Also for the first month of summer, I was studying for my college’s math placement exam. Cause I failed my first time taking it. Cause im dumb. In all seriousness, it was material I learned in middle school which meant I didn’t remember any of it. Thankfully they had a retake and I just had to study 3 hours a day for a month to go from a 45.7 to a 78. You need a 75 or higher to get placed in the advanced math, but older courses say you need an 80 so I REALLY hope it's the former. They also take into account AP’s so we’ll see how that goes.
As for my mental and physical state. Recovery has been hard. My self-image has plummeted. The medication I take lowers the productivity of my hormone, meaning I'm less moody, I'm able to eat food, I no longer have heat intolerance, and I have a normal heart rate. But the worst thing is that my metabolism gets murdered in the process.
My metabolism was boosted due to my thyroid which meant I would lose weight, but I was also not eating which makes your body lower your metabolism to conserve energy. Now that I am eating again my metabolism is way lower than it was normally due to the mix of starvation, medication, and lack of exercise. I was consistently 117 pounds throughout high school and most of it was muscle. 5 weeks of treatment I am 120 pounds with mostly fat because I wasn’t allowed to exercise due to my medication.
I love exercising and getting back into hockey and running is tough but I am trying my best. Second, my image is deteriorating I hate my body and I hate the feeling of clothes that have always fit me no longer fitting me. I also recognize that this year despite my weight loss my hips got wider. I note this because even though I was losing weight certain clothes still didn’t fit me when I was 104. So I shouldn’t beat myself up, right? I also bought a lot of my summer clothes when I was semi-starved so unless I can get that skinny again there is no way I’ll be able to fit in those.
It’s not even about being skinny, it about being FIT, and being FIT generally means FITting into clothes, and being happy with your body. I want to be muscular again. I want to be me. I hate looking at others and comparing myself knowing that I’m different, and I have no control cause my disease is screwing everything up.
Exercising is only half the battle. The other half is the diet. With my mind being messed up from the disease my relationship with food has gone horrible again. I used to be able to eat 3 meals a day with maybe a couple of grapes for snacks. But when you can't eat food for months and all of a sudden your body starts being able to, you basically eat everything in sight. This is horrible because I’m also a stress eater. The disease makes it harder to deal with stress.
Basically, I am constantly overeating and then feel guilty about my body. Ironically I'm overeating on healthy foods. I’ve always been a health nut since I grew up in a no chips, no corn syrup, and no added sugar family. I’ve never had a problem eating healthy food. I JUST EAT TOO FREAKING MUCH OF IT. Maybe it's because I’m being obsessive about it. I notice I’m happiest when I am occupied and not thinking about. If I was to treat it as a life necessity rather then something to do to boost my emotions, things would be different.
I tried counting calories, and I would eat around 1400 which may not seem like a lot. But I am small, and I used to eat 1000 with exercise and feel fine, so 1400 for me not exercising is way too much. I just binge on whatever food I see and then completely regret. I always thought maybe if I starve myself or go off my medication I’ll have my body back. But some sane part of me knows that it will only be temporary and what I crave is stability.
I hate that my body weight is fluctuating I want it to stabilize so I can work from there but gaining 3 pounds a week is terrifying. I constantly need structure in my life or it gives me anxiety and this is the opposite of structure. I realized this and I would tell myself to have only 3 meals. Not 3 meals and 3 meal-sized snacks. I would only go to the kitchen for water. I will have a running/hockey routine. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to be happy and fit into my clothes again. My main issues with the clothes is I love baggy clothes, so if clothes “fit” me, I consider them tight because I feel constricted.
That's the main issue in my life right now, getting fit and healthy again. Another thing to get my mind off food is I ordered a digital piano and will properly be able to start learning how to play it for the first time. I’ve been playing on my school one, or the one on my phone for so many years, I’m excited to finally get one.
It was supposed to arrive Friday, and it didn’t, which made me super stressed and I overate the entire weekend, SOOO yea I don’t deal with stress very well.
Another annoying thing just happened. I do have a job as a hockey scorekeeper but I don’t really take shifts often and my dad sent me an email of the schedule as if like hey remember we want you to earn money. I’m grateful for the reminder but also angry at the fact that they felt the need to shove it in my face. I know that I would have not seen the email otherwise because I don’t check that email but I don’t know it’s just felt degrading.