A mind cursed by too much bliss
I can't describe the pain ..
I can't describe the pain I am going through. I can barely move today, while yesterday I wouldn't stop dancing. It's like this now, 2 or 3 days I feel better and start believing the new therapy is working, then I have a hyper day, then a dark depressing one....and so on.
Now I am full of hopes and enthusiasm and then I am desperate.
Now I am full of good feelings and then I feel evil. Yes that's right, yesterday I felt evil.
Like I really wish I could inflict my misery on someone. I feel ashamed of my thoughts, I am ashamed of myself for feeling like that. I hate kids, I hate their parents. I hate sex. I hate God for creating sex and kids and parents. I hate the world and everyone living in it.
I used to believe I was a kind, compassionate soul. Now I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what to believe anymore. What is good, what is bad? Does that not depend on your point of view? Am I evil for wishing my neighbours death? Am I evil for wishing every child on this planet could die this very moment of a slow and painful death? I have very dark and disturbing thoughts . I am full of anger, so full of it that I have no idea where it's coming from. This isn't me anymore.
I used to love children, work with them and be very patient. They would come to me for comfort when they cried at the nursery. They used to run after me when I left.
What has happened to me??? I feel like I am possessed, like an evi child eatingl witch.
It's as if a dark demon has entered my mind and it's eating it up. I can try to stop him maybe, perhaps even exorcise the demon if I am lucky, but will the damage ever repair itself?
The body is able to heal almost any wound, but the mind, is it also able to heal? I don't think so. Will I ever get back as I was before? Will I ever be able to play with children again, to attend a party, to go out freely at any time of the day? Will I be that same loving person I used to be? Was that the real me?? Will it come back again?