memento mori

memento mori
2019-06-18 13:14:52 (UTC)

Horrible

I went to school today and I thought I'm a little too confident when my day started. It's unusual, it sickens me. Isn't it horrible when that feeling is just one at a time like I experienced it today but it has to come to an end. Something is wrong with me. Something is fucking wrong with me.

It made me a little happy knowing what I researched suddenly came up but it was all useless because it wasn't the official teacher for philosophy classmates don't give a fuck = futile. Someone encouraged me to recite earlier and I regret it. I researched about the topic too and I watched the video ahead of them...but I was the one who fucked up real bad. I'm so fucking pathetic and dumb. My confidence went downhill since then but I tried not to ruin my mood because I had an upcoming roleplay to do. But you know? I'm unfunny, not pretty, plain and boring. My group got the highest score and I felt like none of the comments belong to me.

Anyway, I like someone in class. He's pretty great. He is great. He has a nice friendship with some of the people in the same class and I'm kind of jealous. It hurts me just thinking about him. I know I have zero chances to get noticed by someone that beautiful. We interacted the first day and we interacted. I hate that I am so happy remembering the first time we talked. I didn't admire him back then. A week passed since I realized that I like him. This entry is depressing so might as well continue the momentum. I know nobody will ever like me romantically. I grew up believing no one would fall in love with me. I'm boring, scared and weird.

But I can't help but think about someone falling in love with me. Is it really that impossible? I'm not that bad, right? It being alive means having permission to the people around me, I'd be dead by now.. I cannot love myself. I don't.

Animes made me realize that some of us really seek attention and permission to people around them to live life feeling okay. And I'm aware that I don't need one...but I keep finding it

Finding someone to permit me to live life the way I want it.

Another thought, I met several people who have the same issues as me...but all of them are far better than me

I hate how different my perspective on everything is.

I had a friend. She's the same as me, or that's what I thought because she's far different from me. People around me loved her more than me. People adored her. People...stayed with her

I'm so fucking alone. I'm so alone.




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