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2019-06-17 19:46:30 (UTC)

a notsobrief update

June 17, 2019 Monday 7:47 PM

Bad mood all day. But later Matt, Sophie, Greg and I all drank and then went to a club and danced for, like, three hours and then wandered back home and got food and ate on the grass. All in all, none of us went to bed before 3 AM. It was fun. I was surprised at how much fun I had since generally I hate doing anything ever.

An okay day at first, but then I ended up losing my micro USB 3.0 cable or whatever it is called?? And I need it for work because it connects my hard drive to whatever computer I am using, and my hard drive contains literally all the raw footage/project files/.wav files I need. So that was stressful. I had to run around to the mall and then Best Buy, and Lyfts cost money and I was hot. On the bright side I got pants.

Couldn't sleep well for whatever reason. I woke up very achey at around 6:45 and I stretched for a while. Then I made pancakes. Then I made egg drop soup (for my lunch). I thought everything would be OK, I actually liked being up several hours before work. I managed to find my lost package at the Brown mail place and I also found out a tripod that got lost in the mail was delivered there too... Amazon already reimbursed me so I got that for free basically.
I went to work and I was anxious, and then it was worse. I suggested something and I got shut down really quickly (by a couple of people, including Melvin, who is the annoying guy I have a bit of a crush on), and I immediately got defensive. Honestly my reaction bothers me more than being shut down. I felt bad for misinterpreting their disagreement. Afterwards, Melvin said sorry and explained why he rejected my idea, which was at least nice, although I wish he knew he didn't have to explain—it made sense, I had only suggested the other thing because I didn't really know what was really going on with that project. I don't understand how to develop projects like this. So it's not surprising that I was wrong. I didn't need to have attitude, though.

Anyway, blame it on a lack of sleep. Maybe I'd have been better at policing myself. That's what I kept saying. I was on the verge of a panic attack all day! All day. I could still list the interactions Melvin and I had that entire time, and I can promise I read into every single gesture. Normally (AKA last week) that might've been kind of fun. I think crushes are bizarre and I find the way they warp reality it really weird and cool! I'm glad they don't last forever, but like, wow. Anyway, I couldn't even enjoy it because I was stewing in my nice personal pot of self-loathing and anxiety.

On top of that, I've been having problems with my bank so I haven't been paid yet and I am dying! I am supposed to get a check on Wednesday, but that's not great either, because that still takes a bit to process which means I probably won't have money until like Friday. Not ideal. I'm, like, out of food. But that's okay. I can borrow money from my parents. I don't like doing that because I get scared I will never pay it back but it's unreasonable for me to think I can live on, like, three eggs and two stalks of celery.

Anyway, I had to call the bank during work, and it almost gave me a panic attack. I am not exaggerating. I have on the edge of one all day. I could barely breathe and it would've taken Melvin, like, asking me if I was okay for me to burst into tears. I was trying really hard to edit and stuff, and I got a lot done, but I had to go outside a few times to try and breathe. During these periods, I saw both a squirrel and a bunny very up close, like only from a 3 foot distance. It was very calming. However, by 2 PM, I just couldn't. I asked my boss if I could go home and so I did. On my way home I saw a catbird. And a lot of American Robins. They are everywhere around here.

I sat down. Teared up. Got bored with crying. Biked to the mall to exchange some jeans down a size (nice). Got a meatlover's calzone and garlic bread. Ate the whole thing in bed while drinking seltzer and watching New Girl. Played dress up games. Then switched to porn games (which are very lame and very entertaining, if not necessarily very sexy or sophisticated... that being said, there was one super disturbing one that was narrated in Russian, which I mostly could not read, and I was just mildly upset and turned on by the level of Terrible that was this game). Then I watched porn and masturbated. I am just a heathen.

Do I feel better? No??? But I am in a comfortable space: my bedroom. I haven't seen my housemates for a few hours and I don't plan on leaving this room for the rest of the night. I feel upset, but safe. So. Yeah. I don't know. I want this to end soon. I don't understand what's happening and I don't like it. I miss last month, when I was feeling content. Everything was manageable. Sometimes I'd get in a shitty anxious mood if I lost sleep or if I had a headache, but other than that I could handle things. But I've been in such a weird place for like two weeks! It's the worst.

Okay enough complaining. Goodnight. Time to drink seltzer and sit around watching Youtube videos.

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