The first time i felt wanted was most probably the first time a boy showed interest in me. I was roughly 14 and school wasn't easy. Everyday was a struggle to navigate, i was full of anger and sadness that was only amplified by being surrounded by other young people who couldnt properly express their emotions, dyslexia that meant i had to work harder than everybody else to be on the same level and a deeply rooted mistrust for teachers.
During the midst of this, as i said, i met a boy.
My friendship group was breaking (more so kicking me out) and due to this i desperatlely clung to everything they did and when i found out they met this cool 17 year old guy from the city who they played games with i pestered them until they finally gave in and introduced us (sort of) he immeditaly began to flirt with me, in a very childish way that appealed to me, a 14 year old. we somehow were on the same page mentally except he was a hell of a lot better at manipulation than me.
i cant even remember how long it lasted for, when it started or when it ended. all i know is that he could still has explicit pictures of me at that age and theyre probably on the internet somewhere. im yet to make peace with that fact.
yo im gonna write more on this later, ive spent too long thinking about it in one sitting.
you ever think about something shitty and slowly you get sucked into the memories? and when you finally get yourself out of them nothing feels right. not a lot of things have ever felt right really. i hate to be depressing but admitting it is cathartic.