memento mori

memento mori
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2019-06-17 14:27:10 (UTC)


I admit that after all the thoughts about being ready has been in my head for days now and I feel embarrassed today because I was not ready at all. I wasn't ready with the events that happened today. I felt disturbingly comfortable on my seat, the class and my new "friends" but when it ended so soon when I stepped out of the room. I feel so alone. I feel like I'm the only one who is uncomfortable and scarily grasping everything. I feel so left out. I have no place here. I'm so fucking scared. I'm so scared to make mistakes and be the cause of my own downfall, which I'm uncontrollably doing right now. I want to feel okay. I want to be loved. I want to protect myself. There are so many things going on my mind these days, and I don't like every idea that is coming out. I am full of doubt and uncertainty. The world is just there, looking at me, pitying me on how I handle everything. I'm such a sad and pathetic loser trying to fit in. I will never be someone. I will never be that someone whom everyone adores; I will never be someone who is pretty and skinny enough to be loved by boys; I will never be that someone who has the courage to face difficult tasks. I think...I think I will forever be that someone who is just there, existing.