Scream Above the Sounds
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2019-06-16 12:17:53 (UTC)


I've been meaning to write for ages. Many times in the past two weeks I've contemplated what to write but the words continued to elude me. Here I stand, 12:18pm, with a grim hangover; I figured now is the time to finally begin.

College is more or less over now, it's our last week this week to hand in anything that still needs to be graded. Everybody is focusing on gaining 60 credits so they can continue to study the access course. I'm a bit worried that I may not get 60 credits because I didn't get graded for the maths stuff but we'll have to wait and see. I'm hoping because they've seen that I'm committed in other aspects of the course and will get the Adult Foundation diploma anyway, they will just allow it. I really hope so because I've kinda put all my eggs in one basket regarding this course, I NEED to do this course. If they turn around and tell me last minute that I can't do it, I won't be able to go anywhere else. So long story short, I hope they don't fuck me.

We don't get our results until mid August so I'm hoping now that the holidays are upon me I can find a nice easy job over the summer, so I can make as much money as I can before going back, assuming I'm going back. The course is £350, and whilst I know my parents would pay for it if it came to it, I really don't want them to. Things will be easier to gauge after next week. I'm adamant I've achieved an A or a B in English though, I think I gave my best. A 'C' is all that is required to get onto Access and I know I've definitely achieved that. It's just a case of meeting the other criteria, or perhaps smooth talking Sal (the woman who runs the course). She likes me, she understands how difficult last year was for me and that I am really trying my best and looking to better myself.

Aside from college I'm a bit emotionally up in the air still, I don't know. I think I've always got the idea of having a relationship floating around in my head. Maybe not right now, but at some point. There are people in my life that I really do care about and could definitely see something with, it's just not very realistic and probably isn't the right time for it: One of them is one of my best friends, so that's already more or less a red flag. The other lives in Vegas, which isn't impossible but at the same time, it's something that I've never really done or thought about; a long distance relationship. I wouldn't say I'm in love with my best friend, I think that's a bit too strong, but I do care about her a shit ton and would probably find myself doing anything for her. I don't know, life just seems so much more bearable and easier when she is around. I kinda already talked to her about this though, I mean...I say 'talked about', I basically just confessed how I felt about her and she said she didn't really know what to say and that was the end of it; which is probably for the best. As for the girl in Vegas, I mean...we are super close, we talk every day and we get on very well. We have talked about meeting up and stuff but I think that's a bit difficult at the moment, I think when I get a job I would save up the money to go and visit. I do really like her a lot and I know she feels the same, I just don't want to hurt her, and I seem to have a knack for hurting people, so I'm very wary. And then to make matters more interesting, one of my sisters friends messaged me out of the blue and asked me if I wanted to go for a 'catch up'. I've always thought she was really attractive, she was in one of my classes in Sixth Form and we always got on great together, she was really funny. I agreed, but we didn't really specify anything, I just said sometime after my exams.

So yeah, there's that. I mean, it means nothing really. I honestly don't think I'm even cut out for a relationship. I guess I just have that awful, haunting feeling that I may end up alone forever. Part of me wanted to mention something to my friend last night and maybe just reiterate what I said before but it's not worth doing. I'm really grateful for her friendship but I don't know, I guess a part of me will always want something more, even if I know a relationship isn't what I need right now. I need to focus on myself, I have a lot of self improvement to do and shit I need to get done. I think seeing her with somebody else would probably upset me a lot but it is what it is. I tell a lie, she did say something regarding me and her; something like 'We wouldn't be good together', and she is probably right in fairness. I don't know, we'll never know.

Relationships aren't something I should flirt with at the moment. I've been single for just over a year, after coming out of a 9 year relationship and I don't even know if I'm ready. Some stuff still stings from time to time. I think once I'm holding down a job that compliments my studying schedule, it will be easier to gauge and I will go from there. Lets just get this last week out of the way and hopefully enjoy the summer, or lack of it so far. It's been raining a ridiculous amount.