memento mori

memento mori
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2019-06-13 13:47:30 (UTC)

Senior high

I wasn't feeling sad when I graduated junior high; it's just that I know myself that I was so happy leaving that shit hell hole school. I felt the pleasure of having friends when I was in 9th grade, and I really didn't treat this any better from the strangers I meet every day. I keep distancing myself, and forever will. I feel uncomfortable having someone...like they're just there..ready to listen. Not that I believed those kinds of people still exist. I have given up humanity a long time ago, not sure when, but it was for the best right? Senior high just started (190610) and it was okay. I never really liked anything ever since I've got an idea on how things in real work hehe

It was boring. plain. meh. okay. I never really looked forward to meeting new friends...jk lol

I actually want to work on that part of myself. I want to easily get along with everyone, with that I'll start to like everything around me and find the sense of everything that is happening. It's day 3 today and guess what...I still have no one! Not a surprise...I've been distant my whole life so what am I expecting? A miracle?

Okay, to the point of this whole entry...I actually miss my friends

I mean, I'm still unsure of what I feel. I feel affection towards them but that's that, I'll never allow these people to get into my life. I have a huge trust issue with people...and myself

I don't really know how to handle a relationship well. I can't communicate well and though some of them compliment me for my broad understanding of life, I don't know if I should consider it as a blessing hehe. My friends like to lean on and ask me for pieces of advice in life, but truth is, I have no fucking idea what's going on on everyone's head, especially mine. How do I manage to fucking give them words when I can't talk myself into a sense

I'm missing people, the people whom I never thought of as "friends" and that makes me a horrible person

I fucking hate myself.

Anyway, I faced a crowd today. Not really big but the room has like 50 people inside so I'm kinda patting myself before sleeping today. I felt my face heated up but I ignored it and just looked down a little, but I faced the crowd and didn't stutter! That's progress, right?

Well, uhm, honestly I feel left out the past few days but I'm shoving that issue away by going all alone and independent. It feels good to be alone, but you know, the feeling of being alone really sinks in huh. It kills you slowly. A friend also handed me a strawberry candy today, another one asked me where I lived and proceeded to tell me he lives in the same barangay as me. Gaaaaaaah, this entry sounds pathetic but that's me

hello, first entry. let's get through senior high, e?


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