I do this to myself. I think...
Ad 2:
2019-06-13 01:48:13 (UTC)

Hello, old friend

So... It's been quite some time since I've taken any time to sit and write in this thing.
A lot has been going on. Some really great things. Kinda.
I had a job interview for a really great place. But it's in the state that my bf lives in. Not in my home state. "okay, but aren't you living with your boyfriend?" ...Yes and no. I basically have most of myself here, but I'm keeping a foot over the state border in case I need to run back. I guess that's how you could look at it. I think I'm just keeping on guard in case things don't work out. Not that I'm expecting for the worst to happen, but just preparing. I believe that's an unhealthy thing to do. But I'm always on guard. Always have been. But anyway, the interview went well. However, there are many factors that could make it not quite enjoyable for me. Like the fact that we would have to find childcare. Which is expensive. Most of the reason I'm even looking for a job is because we need the extra money and want to get into a slightly bigger place so I can have both girls there with me. We just can't afford it right now. Therein lies the need for the extra income. But the prices of childcare are outrageous. And rightly so, but I don't want to work just to pay for childcare. That's not entirely a bright thing to do. We need the extra money. But I'm spending it on care for the baby just so I can work to make money that we can't even use for what we need? Ridiculous.
Also, working in his state would mean that it only makes sense to become a legitimate resident. Which also means that I would lose all benefits for myself and the girls and need to find more insurance for us (because otherwise we will get fined for not having insurance) I will need to figure out the school situation for the older child. I'll lose all my doctors and maybe all the progress I've made the last year. I'd need to find another therapist and start all over (and I'm not totally comfortable with that). Having to find another doctor to get comfortable with after it took me so long to get comfortable with the doctor that I have now. I don't know, I feel like it's all so drastic, all too quickly. I really need to sit and think all of this over.

He got drunk before I got back. He wasn't mean or anything, but we had planned to sit together and hang out after the baby went to bed. He ended up passing out on the floor after pretending to sleep while playing with her. She was still awake. I was hurt. And I'm not going to hide that from him. I was annoyed, but not angry. This needs to stop. I don't care if he has a few drinks here and there, but I don't know how much longer I can handle it. I'm so in love with him, and want to spend forever with him...But I don't think I can undo all that I've been working so hard to change by living in a constant state of wondering if he's going to be silly and fun drunk, or if he's going to be mean and condescending drunk. Never do I worry about physically getting hurt or being called names.. But he has a tendency to say some very hurtful, even if they are true, things.

What am I going to do if I don't have therapy anymore? I don't have any friends.