Eel

Rage

Pure, unfiltered, unadulterated rage. Coursing through my veins, running its course.
I don't know where it's coming from, but it seems to be oozing out of every outlet, so much that I'm having a hard time keeping up with it.
I have no idea where it's coming from.
Two days ago, I walked all the way to Logan Square and back. I thought it was because I wanted to generate some Sweatcoins.
But maybe my frustration and my anger is starting to merge into one entity. I'm not sure if I can handle it.
All the people who did me wrong keep coming into my head, on a vicious cycle.
A vicious repeat. And it's chipping me parts of me away every time.
The worst is, it's tainting the memories I have with Hassan. Regardless of his every intention, I loved him.

Now I'm questioning his every intention. What is wrong with me?

I told my brothers I loved them too. I'm not sure if that was out of frustration or anger. But I don't see them often.
All I have to keep me occupied is nursing content and Piyush.
And I feel horrible for Piyush. I think he is really starting to fall in love with me.
I want to reciprocate. But I'm starting to think that maintaining romantic connections is not worth it anymore.
There's this vicious cycle of uninstalling and reinstalling that I keep doing with all the dating and hook-up apps.
In reality, there's nothing I want less at the moment. There's nothing I want less in the world.
I remember my mom telling me how things would change. How I would grow to accept marriage and family.
Maybe the pain of being lonely is so crippling that that's why people get married in the first place.
But look at my parents. Look at how that turned out.
Devastating. Just enough pain and suffering to split my entire family apart, and take years for them to recover.
My sister is graduating Friday but I am worried about myself. I am worried about my emotions.
I can't keep pushing them down forever. But I am a sensitive being.
It seems the bottle has reached its brim. I know for a fact it has because I haven't typed in this journal for months and it's 4:10am.

Rage.
Oscar, you're a fucking cunt. All your confused emotions ended a perfectly good friendship. And you ghosted me. Maybe I deserved it, but now that I'm coming back to Springfield, I'm gonna come back with a vengeance. Sazmet, you're a huge fucking dickhole. I opened up to you and you started ghosting me. Then you ignored all my texts and blocked me on Scruff. Maybe you deleted it but I doubt it. I don't even have words for Grayson. Maybe there was a time where I was obsessed with Desi people, but now I'm just obsessed with getting this off my chance.
And fuck you dad. For coming back after x amount of years, getting drunk, and then policing me at a bar while I'm trying to have fun by telling me not to smoke weed. I will do WHATEVER the fuck I want. Miss me with that bullshit. Fuck you Apurv, for using me. Fuck you Amir, for using me. Fuck. Every. Single. Fucking. Guy. WHO USED ME.
Fuck you Grindr, for constantly reinforcing the fact that I'm horny and alone. And fuck you Scruff, for reinforcing that five times as much and having me meet Sasmet and Grayson in the first place. Fuck you all. Fuck all this bullshit. I'm so fucking tired of being left to fend for myself. But when I'm strong and have somebody worth protecting, like Piyush, I know all these desperate bitches are gonna come crawling back. And I can't wait to stomp on their fucking hearts like they did to me. Back then, when I look at the way I messaged JD those years in high school, I would turn red with embarrassment.
Shame is socialized. And I don't feel shame anymore. I feel rage. Anger. Fury. Frustration.
Inhale. Exhale.
JD has no idea what kind of drama could come his way. He has no idea what kind of person I am now. They will never see what kind of person I am carving myself out to be. Fuck those bullshit ass lies and these bullshit ass people. I used to worry that I was superficial but maybe I am human as I'll ever be. Maybe all this anger is just me finally releasing the years of resentment I've had towards myself and towards the people who hurt me. I am so fucking done with all this dumbass bullshit. I want to wake up, and pray to God that when I do, I am a completely different fucking person.

A real fucking human being.