A mind cursed by too much bliss
Real life is art in itself
Yesterday was perhaps the first day since my new treatment I have been quite stable and well. Despite the weather being rainy and miserable all day I forced myself to go to my Flamenco class and I did well! The only time I can truly forget my misery and feel my life is worth living is when I am either dancing or singing. Nothing else matters in my life and this makes me feel so guilty at times.
I can find no other reason which is strong enough to make me want to keep going. Performing art is what I was born for, it is the very meaning of my existence. It's the only thing that has never disappointed me, that never wil.
Sometimes I like to think I am like the character of Sleeping beauty, she was cursed by an evil witch as a baby, so a kind fairy took pity on her and gave her a "counter gift" as a remedy to the agonies she would have suffered. I like to imagine I am that baby , that I was cursed with the illness that would torment me all my life and like Sleeping Beauty it would try to take my life in my teenage years, but that a kind fairy gave me the gift of music and dance to give me the strength to defeat the curse.
I know it's just fantasy,, but at least I am sure my gift is an heritage from God. I am an artist because He is.
Like a child inherits his skills from his parents, I know I got this wonderful blessing from Him. God is a dancer and a choreographer, the whole universe is proof of that; the planets and the stars move in a never-ending choreography , and life derives from that.
Life is dance ....that life that I often hated and despised in moments of despair, is the very essence of what I love most.
No we don't hate life, if I really hated it I wouldn't love art and music so fondly. I believe my love for art must be a manifestation of a deeper inner love for life, a longing for real life. No I don't hate life, I hate my pain, I hate my curse, I hate the misery and injustice of this world.
But that's NOT life. This is why I feel alive only when I am performing, because that must be the real life God had intended for us.
Sometimes I get mad at God and blame and curse Him for letting me come into this world. I hate Him deep and strongly in those moments.
But when I am dancing and singing I feel such devotion and love for Him. I get tears in my eyes, tears of gratitude for that bliss and beauty.
No I don't hate God as I don't hate life. It's just that I only get such few glimpses of them now and then and only through music.
Everything else is just rubbish, I definitely agree with Tchaikovsky when he said his life "for art and art only it was worth living"