A mind cursed by too much bliss
After the end of the performing week I felt so low and depressed again, the beginning of June was not good.
I spent the first week in Italy in a state of depression despite I was looking forward to the trip. This was before I was prescribed my new medications.
I have seen Doctor Dadatti on Wednesday and he diagnosed Bipolar type 2 in a mixed episode.
I begun the new therapy on Friday the 29th of May. This is because I couldn't stand my cousin's little girl screams on Friday evening and decided to try.
I took one Depakin 300mg tablet and it made me feel drunk and sleepy after a few minutes. But at least I was calmer.
The first few days of the new therapy I was sleepy and tired most of the day. I felt feverish and ill. Somehow calmer anyhow. But then I started switching rapidly from being suicidal to optimistic to irritable again. It's been like this for the past week and I feel I am going completely insane now. We went to see a Flamenco show on the Saturday, the first day of my new therapy and at the end of the show I snapped again. Too much noise, too many people, couldnt stand the Pizzeria after the show.
In the following days I had some recurring moments of violent desperation and hopelessness. I cried and sobbed in agony and convulsed until I felt my chest could break in two and my eyes felt sore and swollen. Two days a ago I thought it was best for me to die then suddenly yesterday morning I felt happy again. Euphoric for my future plans and spent an hour walking high speed round the park, fantasizing about them. The next opera, the dance, the journey....Thoughts begun racing again. I felt positive and optimistic although I felt mania was building up again. I was right.
In the afternoon I had another manic episode at the kingdom hall because of some children crying and making noise. All happiness was gone again. And so was my first week with my new meds....a complete mess although they seemed to calm me at times from the agitation, I already had two manic episodes and lost control. I am in Hell, there are no other words