Rose

Perfectly Imperfect
2018-11-26 06:30:40 (UTC)

Demons From the Past and a New Level of Hell

After my last entry, I became homeless which led to me returning to my place at Trey's side. But a hard, unhappy life of living in the bedroom of Trey's mom's abandoned trailer with no water, no electricity, no food, no jobs, and no money. But we were back together!

I learned how to panhandle for money for gas and cigerettes. We used the car battery and an electrical converter box to power a few items when we could afford gas in the car. We heated with kerosene heaters when we could afford kerosene. I learned to steal food from the dollar store to keep from starving. We stole other items to return for store gift cards to buy cigs and gas. We begged and borrowed from friends, family, food banks, and strangers. But we stayed high and we fought and were miserable a lot.

The steady stream of girls slowed down. I believed it meant he really loved me and saw that I only breathed for him. Bit looking back i realized I did most of the stealing, returning stolen goods, panhandling, and begging so he used me to survive. Plus our lives and the place we squatted was so pathetic it was hard for him to lure women in to cheat on me with. But he still managed a few, he just had to change the game up.

Now, a steady stream of drug addict friends of his needing a place to get high and sleep occasionally would squat with us for a short period of time. Despite the miserable conditions we lived in, it was still better to them than having no where to stay. The trade off was them sharing drugs and pitching in with small amounts of kerosene, gas, and food.

Sometimes his friend's "friends" would visit, and they usually were women. Trey would invent a fight with me and make me leave so he could have a fling for a few days. During these times I would stay at my mom's or Gina's. I almost looked forward to those times because at least I would have food, shower, and electricity for a couple days. It was never more than a few days....a few times it would last a week. Trey couldn't risk it being longer than that and chancr losing my help with survival. That, plus none of the girls were willing to stay with him in the squalid conditions he existed in. I was his true ride or die and despite all he knew this.

Trey's drug addict friends would change frequently becaus inevitably Trey would decide he couldn't live with whatever "friend" it was for the month or they would "steal" things or drugs from him and he would throw them out. Later, he would switch the blame for these supposed "thefts" to me being the thief.
That would provide him with a reason to kick me out so he could fuck someone else and also a way to not only make me look like a horrible person justifying his treatment of me and allowing him to "forgive" the friends who he had previously kicked out. Afterall, they were still drug addicts and had drugs to share for a place to get high.

Why is it that I can see all the angles after the fact but didnt get it while it was happening? Wtf was wrong with me that I allowed it to continue so long? Being a drug addict myself didn't help. Nor did my refusal to accept anything else that did not include Trey in my life.

Although with Hub, I learned to soothe my broken heart with a man, there was only Hub and Howie. But also a move to Frankfort in an attempt to break the destructive cycle that was my life with Trey...trying unsuccessfully to break the hold he had over me.

And a couple years passed with these new twist in the ugly game with Trey that I called my life.

It's been months now since Trey and I have really been together. It was around the 10th of September that I had left to go back to my mom's after some slight or disrespect or argument--- I don't even remember now. It was a time like any of the 15 or 20 times before, I would go for a week or 10 days and be back to Trey because neither one of us could ever really leave the other one alone for very long.

I wasn't even that surprised when we made up that there was a new girl to get rid of. Just another of Trey's Captain Save A Hoe cling-ons. It was a sad fact of life with Trey. It sucked. It hurt. It was humiliating. But it happened so many times I lost count. I expected it. I didn't even get upset. I was not a bit concerned about Brandy. Everything that I had heard about her, I didn't think she was a threat at all. Trey said she would beat me up, but I didn't think she could threaten my place in Trey's life. I mean, she told anyone and everyone about how she used to suck and fuck for crack. Trey's a germaphobe and this would worry him a lot. She preferred black guys and never really dated a white guy. She was super controlling and was running people off from Trey's house....Which he never tolerated from me even when it was an ex girlfriend or a recent flirt or fuck..
Which also happened to be the most frequent disrespect that would push me to leave him for a few days until he swore his undying love for me and begged me to return. So I KNEW he wouldnt tolerate that from this new wanna be tough girl. Also his friends all disliked her, and even though my opinion was she wasn't really ugly...but she wasn't pretty either (her face is slightly crooked and gives the impression that a side of her face sags slightly to one side), his friends all talked about how butch she was...another opposite of Trey's taste in women. Plus she is an alcoholic. Trey can't stand alcoholics because his dad was one. Trey NEVER drank and couldn't tolerate a drunk for long. On top of all that she was mean to his dog and if there was 1 thing he put before himself in life it was his dog. I felt secure that she would be even a less of a problem than the steady stream of women that had come and gone before her.

The only way I saw her as a problem was her obvious obsession with Trey. But a few before her had been persistent as well and eventually faded to being non-important to both Trey and myself. I knew she would keep coming back. But I wasn't worried about her taking my spot.

It was September 24th and I was back and she was pissed about all the words of love and promises Trey had filled her head with, but now he had flipped and wanted her to leave. She tried to attack me. Trey intercepted her, shoved her down, and held a hammer up threatening her in case she wanted to jump up and be violent towards me. He made her leave.

Life waas back to normal. Me and Trey on our "together again" happy bliss for about 5 days. On the 5th day I was leaving to do some errands and Trey gave me a key to his house (he never gave me a key to his house before). He kissed me, told me he loved me, and I left to do errands. Three hours later I get back and there was Brandy. Trey had went to get her. Okay, so this too was part of the process. I mean I had had to take Lori back to Frankfort two times! Still it made me sick to my stomach and it was so humiliating. WTF? Could I never get any security? Once again Trey telling me to leave with another girl by his side. This is getting old. I was tired of it. I don't want to do this anymore. Same scenario again and again. We've been through it before.

The scenario was the same but things were different this time around. It was not devastating me like it had so many times before... I only felt tired. Bone-weary tired of this. As my eyes met Treys, with Brandy sitting in the middle of our bed and me feeling like an unwanted Intruder standing at the foot of our bed in OUR bedroom... I could barely stand to look at him. That was different too. I thought I'm leaving him with this less than me girl and it would bring a smile to my face everytime I thought of his downgrade.

So around September 30th, I walked out thinking when he called me up in the next week or two I wasn't coming back this time.

After I left there I was sick with bronchitis for about a week. Then I decided I was done being broke and trying to live with Trey. I was going to get a good job, get my own place, do something different. Something better.

I got a job through a temp agency working at a warehouse. I just had to wait for my background check to come back. When the background check came back, they said I had a active warrant for my arrest and if I got the warrant taken care of, they would give me a job. I was sick of all the bullshit. Fucking warrant for absconding, no job, and I can suddenly see how securing any job was going to be difficult with an active warrant. I was broke and I had nowhere to stay really and I was fed up. I decided to turn myself in and get the warrant taken care of. I hoped to serve about 10 days in jail and be reinstated on my probation.

Trey contacted me again, like I knew he would. She was history, they were broke up and done, he wanted to see me....but not at his house. I knew that meant he was lying about her being gone. I told him I was turning myself in and I refused to see him.

On October 15th I summoned all my courage, took one last deep breath of freedom, and turned myself in. Jail sucked. It always sucked. The days passed slowly. I read about a book a day, just waiting.

Richard was so awesome to me. He put money on my books for canteen and phone. He visited. He took my phone calls. The days still passed slowly.

I was rather pleased with myself that I didn't think obsessively about Trey like I always have done in the past. That's not exactly accurate...I still thought about Trey often, but instead of dying with wanting to be with him--- now when I thought about him, I thought I would never go back. I thought I was relieved to finally get to my stopping point with him. And when I thought of him-- I hated him. I allowed myself to remember all the fucked-up horrible shit he has done to me, all the humiliation. What all he had destroyed or caused me to lose. And I hated him. I allowed myself to remember all the tears I shed, all the breath stopping pain I endured, and how I would cry for weeks (even broke out in hives during one dark time).. Now I not only hated him...I hated myself. And the days still passed slowly.

Finally thingd worked out just as I had planned. I was reinstated on my probation and let out of jail. The very next day I was back at the temp agency and left there employed making more an hour than I ever had.

Feeling satisfied and unstoppable I was thrilled to be starting a new chapter in my life. One that seemed to soar up into endless possibilities. But reaching new ground is a long, slow, HARD process. Achieving new ground is an exhausting, uphill battle that can easily break the most committed and strong. And old, bad habits die so very slowly that we are almost doomed to a life of being enslaved to them.

It was the 1st of November, 2018, and I was on the brink of a shiny, new, rewarding life. But little did I know the brink of such a beautiful new life was also the edge of the ugly past I was trying so desperately to shake. And the demons from that past were far from done with me. And this shakey, slippery new place was treacherous. My new life beckoned and with a leap of faith I jumped for it. And right in the middle of this jump from the horrible past to the happy life I longed for...the demons jumped up from noman's land to pull me down to a new, slightly skewered, level of hell. And my life definitely changed...but far from the way I had imagined it.




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