I do this to myself. I think...
Walk me home
Today was such a great day. Last night wasn't so bad either. We went to bed in a pretty great mood. I finally got off. Obviously it was something I really needed. We bought a grill today. We cooked out. The baby played outside for a good 3.5 hours and just ran around and played in water, and she even ate a bit for dinner this evening. It was my first time cooking on the grill alone. Well, He helped a bit, but he was mostly working on the truck and keeping the baby busy so she wouldn't get burned by the grill. She started getting fussy once she realized she was done eating dinner. She reached up and said "up please" to me, so I picked her up and continued my conversation with him as I bounced her on my knee and she wrapped her little arms around me. Not long after that, I heard her quiet little snores. Thank goodness. She fell asleep on her own tonight and wasn't even in bed. It was a wonderful feeling. Not long after that, we started cleaning up. And suddenly he started talking about her. The one that got pregnant. The one that's ruining our lives. I hate her. If she could die, I'd say that we hit the jackpot. But at the same time, I think he assumes his life is over. Because of another child. I understand how he feels. Especially since she took advantage of him when he was blackout drunk. But who's going to believe that a 5'3" 250 lb troll took advantage of a 6'1" 250 lb dude? I believe it. As I stated in one of my earlier entries... She kind of did the same thing to me. Just kept pushing me to drink until I felt I had no control over myself. I couldn't even get out of the bed. Whatever. I don't want to get into it. But still... it's honestly not the end of the world. But I do agree she doesn't deserve this child. And she certainly doesn't deserve any of his money. He wants to kill himself. He's had this feeling for a very long time. Even before he met me. And he's kinda angry that He loves me and loves Emily because if it weren't for us, he probably would have done it by now. I just cried silently next to me as he started saying this to me. And yes we have both been drinking. That's what makes it so much easier for him to just let it come gushing out.
I lost my train of thought. I'm a few drinks in and I'm so tired. I'm cold. I'm so very tired. Night.