marielmia

Mariel is MIA
2019-06-01 12:07:19 (UTC)

To be someone else...

i was hoping my mood would lift as Shark Week ended, but that is not to be. At least the cramps are gone. i assume it's my mind's way of taking in all the was the Vegas trip. On the surface, it was all the stuff i fantasize on. Giving up control. M watching me with two other men. It's the after effects of this sadness that i didn't count on. Living it and seeing it on my phone are apparently 2 different things. My first thought is to delete them all, but i don't. i compulsively watch them , re-watch them and even get busy to them. And the after is always the same. There is no regret, really. It was all consensual and desired. i just didn't expect it to have this loneliness attached to it.

i've pretty much stayed to myself since Vegas, now 2 weeks gone. i go to work, socialize there, but i haven't gone out with friends or dare i say, a date. i feel like hermit right now. Yoga had no Brian. i refrained from booty calls. Even at the gym, i haven't responded to the attempts to chat me up. Most of them are older, wealthy guys looking for something they don't get at home anyways, so nothing lost there, really.

i read other diaries here. The ones that i really enjoy are the ones who are either happy in their day to day or those that don't center on relationships, but what they want in life and how they want to go get what that is. i'm fascinated by an Israeli Arab woman, who writes so intelligently and genuinely about her studies and friends. She is someone i'd love to know more about, filling my secret dream world. Could i be like her? Could i face the daily challenges of living in a country like Israel. i just love to hear her story. Truth be told, i 'd love to message her but i'd be ashamed if she read my words here. Cause they're so fucking accurate. i'm not the best in much of anything, but i'm pretty damn good at telling the story of Mariel here. It isn't such a great story.

Maybe i want to be someone else. Someone who isn't as lonely as me.




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