I do this to myself. I think...
Today feels like a saturday. I don't like it. I don't know if I'm feeling the whole 3 day weekend thing. My stomach doesn't feel well.
We woke up this morning... Awkward AF. He did come to bed with me last night. After he randomly took off without telling me. I mean, yeah I guess that's fine. He's an adult. He's allowed to do that shit. He said he needed to clear his head or something. Whatever. So I ended up taking one of my sleeping pills...and woke up this morning feeling so groggy. I now remember why I stopped taking them in the first place. They help me fall asleep definitely, but the waking up in the morning part is what really gets me. And I'm already taking half of what is prescribed to me. You'd think that I would know how to work this shit since I've been prescribed it for quite some time.
I've been having some really mixed feelings lately. I'm not even sure specifically what about. My life. My kids. My relationship. My future. It all has me confused and I go into this little panic mode where I just feel completely lost. Like I'm trapped inside a wall and I'm not sure how to get out. I could try to break through the wall, but is it the right way to go? Which wall do I knock down? Which way am I going? Are the choices I'm making for myself any good? What about for my children? Sometimes, I regret becoming a parent. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids. I would die for them. I would do just about anything for them. But.. I can't even make proper decisions for my own life. And now I have to worry about making decisions for them until they're 18. I still have 16 years left to do this. I don't know what I'm doing! I know I'm not the only one who thinks this, and I don't think my situation is unique...But I can really identify with the people who have felt this or are currently feeling this. And I never thought I would be one of those people. i have always wanted children, but I was never this fucked up in the head when I felt that way. I had my whole life kinda roughly mapped out. And then the shit hit the fan and I just couldn't get with it.
Sometimes I just don't want to be here. Not like..dead, really. Maybe more like a temporary coma. And I don't say that lightly. And I'm sorry if it offends anyone who might know someone or care about someone in a coma...But that is the current state of mind I am in. i just want to "sleep" for a while. I just want to go away. But not forever. I don't want to have to think. I don't want to have to make decisions for anyone for a while. i don't want to have to cook, or clean, or bathe, or feed anyone. But the more I think about it, the more I realize I'm going to be missing out on. Do I really want to miss out on it all? I'll never get these years back with them. And these are the crucial years. The years that will help shape their lives and how they perceive the world. I want to be the positive that they get out of this time of their life. I want them to look back and thank me for raising them the way I did. But... I'm having a hard time raising them the way I want. There are too many factors involved and I'm way too tired to get into it all right now. So, I suppose this is it. This is the end. At least until my next entry. Hoping that tonight is peaceful and I don't have nightmares. Last night was good, only a few bad dreams and they weren't even as bad as usual.