Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2019-06-01 02:13:49 (UTC)

comparison

People always give the advice to not compare yourself to other people who've got their lives in a good place. Tonight that's making me angry. Nobody actually wants to compare themselves to anybody. It's like saying "stop hitting yourself." No, we compare ourselves to other people when we don't know what to expect from ourselves. Nobody knows what they're capable of, or could be capable of, so instead we grasp at the vision that others have lived into intentionally or not, and sort of think that 'maybe that could be me..' Wistfully, and blindly forgetting our existence.

it's fucked up though, the way it's commonplace in society to emphasize what you shouldn't do instead of building up the understanding of how not to do it. We've built a system that keeps one another trapped. fucking capitalism, probably did it to us.

This is coming from a dark place in me tonight. Today was my last scheduled day working at taqueria. I miss those people already; they were some of the nicest, most understanding people ever. I wish I could've done their kindness justice

Which is why I won't miss the way the job wasn't really suited for me. I walked in every day hating myself for not living into what could be expected of myself in that position. I couldn't handle the responsibility I didn't realize I was taking on until I finally felt better about myself and then subsequentially started hating myself for it. Getting better at it wasn't an option since my expectations of myself hatefully overrided the nurturing I needed to grow really.

Hate is such a strong word. I use it a lot about myself, the word has almost lost its meaning. It's more of a gesture toward the direction that I think of myself rather than an actual action. But I guess I've used it so much I could feel myself turning that way if I want to.


What I'm thinking now though, is if I'd really like to be the change I wish to see in the world, the fact of my problem with that comparison advice is a good place to be starting. I guess, instead of telling people not to judge themselves by comparing, I can do the opposite thing and teach people how to understand their story better, and respect and nurture their needs. And I can do that by tending to my own. Making room to listen. And showing people how I understand my own flawed story as whole and perfect.

There's something wonderful about that. Not only is loving yourself about learning to untangle the dysfunctional parts of society and yourself that you've learned, but doing it well gives you an opportunity to re-shape it.

I've still got a lot of learning. But today, today I made a little wish of a prayer in my head to god that went like 'if you want me to grow remind me why I want to'. For the first time the challenge of growing feels like something inviting and exciting to be apart of, rather than the intimidating mess of unresolved emotion that felt out to destroy me. Now I know where to start, I can maybe make a friend of this journey. This loving me into something worth becoming.




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