I do this to myself. I think...
2019-05-31 02:40:31 (UTC)


We just had another argument. Well, he did. It was mostly one sided. What brought it about was that an old friend of mine, an ex best friend of mine to be specific, asked if she could take my oldest over night tomorrow night and to her friends daughters birthday party on saturday. I sat and thought about it for a bit. I thought about telling her no and making up some excuse as to why she couldn't go with her. But I thought better of it. The whole blow up, the reason we are no longer friends, that has nothing to do with my kids. She has been there for me through everything. Before I was pregnant, When I found out I was pregnant (Both times), During my pregnancy and when my kids father wasn't around, she was always there for me and the baby. 6 years later, she is still around. She is her aunt, after all. You can't just unbrand someone for something stupid. We had a falling out. The kids don't deserve to be punished. Especially the oldest. She was very close to her. I ended up telling her yes. My mom had a huge problem with it, but I told her that it was fine. She doesn't get out to do much on the weekends so I think it would be fine for her to go with her aunt. Doesn't mean she and I are friends again. Doesn't mean anything other than she is taking her niece. That's it. Period. And then He peers over my shoulder at my computer screen and sees that I'm talking to the EBF and has this look of disbelief and disappointment. I kinda shrug it off. I could tell he was irritated though.. He went back to playing his game and then stopped to talk to me. Asked me if I wanted to know why it was bothering him. I shrugged and said "yeah".
He tells me it's because I basically swore her off and banned her from my life. And it's not fair that I did that and then let her back into my life when he has had to do that for me so many times. Ban people and swear them off for me. So..he's angry that it's okay for me to do something and not him. Whereas, the people he has had to stop talking to or "swear off" are all females. And I didn't have a problem with him talking to other females or having female friends until I found out he was sleeping with nearly every damn one of them. Like...Fuck. All she did was insult me and get angry at me. And a few other things but nothing of importance. Why would I be okay with him continuing friendships and talking to people he has intentions to fuck? I never MADE him do anything.. That was his choice. His doing. I never actually said those words. Except about one girl. Maybe 2. And that was because he LIED to my face about it. And never before had he lied. He just didn't come right out and tell me because "we weren't together" and that made it okay for him to fuck me and tell me he loves me and then go and sleep with other girls. Disgusting. But I just kept quiet as he was talking to me. Talking AT me. I didn't want it to turn into an argument. But once he said he did those things basically blaming me...That's when I said something. I told him "you've done the same exact thing. I'm not friends with her again. But you have done the Same. Exact. Thing." and so he responds with "did you even hear a fucking thing I said?" and of course I did. I said yeah...and he said that clearly I didn't. I don't want to argue. i don't want to fight. I'm like 10 minutes from legit passing out and I don't want to go to bed angry. I have nightmares. But he's been drinking, and when he gets like this, I feel like I'm shoveling shit against the tide. There's no reasoning with him. Nothing will probably come of it if I tried talking to him about it. I could explain to him till I'm blue in the face and he would still somehow turn it around to make me out to be the bad guy. Cus that's who I am in his eyes. The bad guy. The one that trapped him and ruined his life. And now I'm controlling it. -eye roll-. Never did I have the intent to trap him. Never have I wanted to control him. I just wanted him to respect me in the same way I respect him. is that so much to ask? Maybe for him. i don't know.
Maybe we really do need therapy. We have talked about it. But it just kinda lingers. Like stale, floating in the air until something like this happens again and it floats back toward us and we are like "oh yeah!" and then things are fine again and it just floats away again. Fuck that. I can't keep doing this! I love him. And I want to be with him. But the resentment he feels toward me, and some of the feelings I have toward him are sort of like a dam. They are holding us back from our true potential. We can never truly be happy together until we break down that dam. And I'm pretty sure that's where the therapist, or counselor, Whomever, comes in and helps us work on that. I'm already in therapy for myself, trying to work on myself... and it's hard to feel good about my improvements just to come back to arguments like these. It's like a trigger. I feel like they're going to set me back. But I'm fighting really hard not to let them. I've worked too hard to let that happen. Not to say that it doesn't have any effect on me, because it does. But I try not to dwell. And having this diary is a huge help.
Anyway... Today wasn't awful. Wasn't great either, but certainly not awful. I didn't fall asleep in the car while driving which is good. And I've been job searching for when this job ends. I tried applying at the place I work at now, for more hours and a different position, but if I go on full time, I won't be able to keep the position I'm in because it would be overtime hours and I don't believe they're willing to pay the overtime. Which really sucks, cus I liked the position I was applying for. Oh well. There are a ton of other jobs out there. And I'm sure to find at least one that will suit me just fine.

Wishing myself luck. A restful nights sleep. And no nightmares.

i bid you adieu