I do this to myself. I think...
Apparently a lot of what I was experiencing over the long weekend was just symptoms of my BPD. I thought I had started managing a little better. I guess not everything is as easy as expected. I know medication isn't a cure, and it only works if you work with it... Boy have I been working with it. I feel like something else might be wrong with me. I just can't put my finger on it. My appetite is slowly increasing, which isn't good because I'm due for my surgery soon and I can't be gaining weight. Also, I'm so tired all the time. I almost fell asleep twice this morning while driving to work. And I had the baby in the car with me. So..That's no good. I actually caught myself literally asleep for a second. I came to just in time because I almost drove into a guard rail on the highway. Luckily, it's early enough in the morning where there isn't a whole lot of traffic, if any at all, so there weren't many cars around me... But God forbid there was, and I went to swerve back in the lane.. What if I ended up hitting someone? What if I hadn't opened my eyes in that split second to veer away from the guard rail...and I hit it? What the FUCK is wrong with me? My awful thoughts. They're worse this time around. It's no longer about hurting myself. Not that I wanted to before, the thoughts were just there. It's what they called "intrusive thoughts" and I was losing control. But this time...I mean, I have control, because I don't actually want to hurt anyone. Could NEVER picture myself hurting someone. Physically. But... I'm craving violence. I've been playing a sniper game. I find myself exhilarated when I kill someone. I want to see the gore. I want to see people getting hurt and I want to see the blood and how it happens. It sickens me to think about this because up until recently, I couldn't stand blood and guts. There are a lot of horror movies I would avoid because of all the violence and gore. I just don't understand. It gives me a rush. Just earlier, I was in traffic in my downtown area, they are doing construction on a little bridge going over a dam. I saw some firetrucks and some police officers standing by the rail near the construction... and they're not typically there. But my heart raced. Not because I was nervous something bad had happened... But it was because I was excited. I was curious what they were doing there. Please, God forgive me for this, but I was hoping to see them pulling a body out of the water. And I know that it's so wrong, because that body was a person. IS a person. Belonged to someones family. And I feel tremendous guilt for the thoughts. But I can't help the way they make me feel. Obviously, I would feel differently if it were someone I knew, or was close to, or if it were someone in my family that I really cared about. But, just seeing it really intrigues me. Piques my interest.
Maybe it has to do with my cousins sudden passing. I hadn't seen him in a couple years, and we definitely didn't keep in touch... But whenever we would bump into each other, we would catch up and then move on. It was always so nice to see him and hear that he's doing better than when we were kids. Anger issues. Really bad. Was into some other bad shit. But, apparently his death was due to natural causes. Unlike all the overdoses and the missing people turning up dead around here. So sad. Either way.
I just don't know what to do. And I haven't told a single soul. Well...except you. Whoever you are. Reading this because clearly you have nothing better to do. And neither do I. Well, I could be sleeping since I have to get up early again. So I think that's what I'm about to do. I don't want to risk falling asleep in the car tomorrow morning again. Ugh.
My day was normal.. Was in the car a lot. Didn't do much of anything. Was with my sister and her kids most of the day bringing her to an appt. Which is what I have to do tomorrow as well. Oh, and I got my first check from CP. Pretty cool. I really need to focus and start looking for another job to replace the one I won't have in just a short couple week. Merrr. This sucks.
So Long, Suckers.