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2019-05-28 23:11:33 (UTC)

Loneliness II

Today has been bland.

I always look forward to the holidays until they are here and I find myself wallowing, staring at the same four walls, you know how it goes by now. I want to go out and do things, but I just don't have the energy to do so. Everything just feels so slow and tedious lately. I just really want my results now, I haven't even sat my exams now and I just want my results so I can at least try and envisage where I'm going to go next. I wish I had more friends in college. I get on with everybody great but it's more pleasantries than anything else really. I made two really good friends and they sadly both dropped out, which sucks. I'm a loner now. I just walk around with a Game of Thrones book at my side. I get on well with the lecturers, they are all really great people and have helped me a lot.

Continuing at the college will be good I think, I do like the college a lot. Hopefully on the Access course in September I could make proper friends. It had me thinking about what Louise said to me a while ago, she asked me why I didn't want to go to the college and receive my results, when I said I would rather have them mailed to me. She went to the college with a few of her friends and they all celebrated together; I couldn't do that even if I wanted to, I haven't got anybody now. I would have gone to the college with Aaron and Allan if they had committed and we could have all passed together, that would have been cool.

Either way, it's the usual now. Alone again, naturally. I mean, I don't usually mind it. I guess after a while without any real contact, you start to wonder if anybody even cares about you. I know people do care about me but most of them live in different countries so I can't exactly just say 'I'm having a shit day, can I come over for a bit?'. Everybody else has so much more of a life than me too, I sit around and literally wait for people to talk to me whereas they may be out with their partners or friends, working, anything. It makes me so depressed. I've been playing a bit of WoW again which has proven to be a good distraction but it never lasts, otherwise I wouldn't be typing this entry now. It's always only a matter of time until my brain overloads and I have to start typing shit.

I worked out today for the first time in ages, I've been quite lazy lately. I just feel so sad and demotivated to really do anything. I'm just dragging myself through the mud. I need to get my shit together, I was doing pretty well up until recently. It's like a weird relapse, it's hard to describe. It's almost like I trick myself into thinking I'm happy or content and then suddenly it's 'Wait a minute, no you're not!' and everything just inevitably collapses.

Oh well.