inbetween

inbetween
2019-05-28 20:14:40 (UTC)

When the pain comes, I ..

When the pain comes, I don't know what to do with it. It feels too wild and strong for me to hold. All my fears twist and throw themselves over me, and thinking untouched by this becomes impossible. My thoughts, believes and hopes fluctuate with them. Up and down. Relentlessly.
As always, I feel paralyzed, frozen and trapped to the same spot. Frustrated and angry with myself. Impatient with myself. Wanting to punish myself.
These defaults have come from somewhere in my past. I think it comes from abandonment and betrayal. I couldn't control or understand those things, so I turned on myself as a way to feel a measure of control. Punishing myself instead of working it out,
These things are still so prominent and strongly rooted in me.
I feel a great deal of anger towards those who abandoned me without a word, slowly. Anger disgusts me. I couldn't resolve these issues so I didn't want that anger. I called it ugly and wretched. I didn't say "hey, someone treated you unfairly. You are sensitive and an upholder of moral values and kindness. Your anger is valid. " Instead I told myself to get over it and stop being a nuisance. In the end, I failed myself.
I want to think I don't live by the narrative of my past self. What happened, happened. I have accepted and moved. But that's not the complete truth. I'm still bitter over my past. It still affects me. I don't want it to be like that. I don't want to be so angry with myself.




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