I do this to myself. I think...
Having a rough day today. Things seem to go really well for a while, then they seem to get dreary. Like the weather has been lately. Real sunny and warm with a nice cool breeze. And then suddenly it's overcast. It seems to go right from sunny to overcast. No random big puffs of clouds strewn about the sky. Just a large sky filled with gloom. That's how my days are going. Had a fairly decent time at the concert last night. I enjoyed it, but I couldn't wait to leave. He enjoyed himself from what I could tell and what he told me. The truth- I'll never know how he truly feels because I bought the tickets and if he didn't enjoy himself, he's probably afraid he would hurt my feelings. We went to dinner last night before that. That was a bit bumpy. Maybe that's why I didn't enjoy my night to the fullest. Because I was on guard...afraid I may do or say something that might tweak his mood even slightly. Also...I had wanted to go walk on the beach before the concert started (it was held at a music hall on the beach) because it was still light out. And the weather was perfect. He told me he didn't want to. And then asked if we could go after the concert. So, disappointed, I said that was fine. And we sat in the car for what seemed like forever. Needless to say, the walk on the beach never happened. Anyway, getting back to today... We actually slept in the same bed last night. I can't remember what exactly happened, but I know that the excitement I felt before going to bed had dwindled because of something he said. I don't recall specifics, but it hurt my feelings a bit and I kept us separated. I woke up this morning, wanting to greet the day with a smile. A more positive outlook as a better way to start the day than we ended the previous night. He wasn't having it. He didn't come right out and tell me he was grumpy.. He just told me he was still tired and was feeling a bit off. I shrugged it off and told him I would go to my moms to get the baby by myself. Told him to sleep in as much as he can before I got back and to relax. I'll admit that I was slightly annoyed. Why am I the one doing all of this? Shouldn't he have wanted to come with me to get her since he hadn't seen her since thursday morning? Or maybe even wednesday night. Irrelevant. It had been a while and he should have wanted to at least accompany me to go pick our baby up. So I leave him sleeping. Fast forward a bit, he's finally awake and we are texting each other. He's still kind of in a mood so I told him to drink his coffee and start writing. That I would be on my way in a bit with the baby and she will be excited to see him so he needed to prepare himself for that. I know he gets stressed out and overwhelmed when she gets into her moods. Annoyed as well. His patience has been real low the last couple days. I guess it was a little different around me because I don't hop around and run and throw things and throw fits and yell and bounce and continuously say "dada, dada, dada"...so I don't annoy him quite as much. I just didn't want him to hurt her feelings. Or for her to upset him. Why is it that I have to constantly buffer? I'm exhausted. He confides in me sometimes, usually at night when we are both laying in bed just staring off into space.. He tells me how badly he feels that I do everything. That he wants to help but he panics because what he thinks he should be doing, he's not sure if it will help the situation, or hinder it. Which, yeah, I get that.. I do the same exact thing, and in the end I just end up looking lazy or seeming like I don't give a shit. When in reality, I care so much that I'm afraid I'll make it worse so I kinda freeze. I just wish he would stop doubting himself and overthinking everything. I think that in itself would be the biggest help. Not only to me, but to the baby as well. And to himself! It would help tremendously in a lot of situations he is currently in or might get into.
Whatever.. so again, moving on from that, it got a little better after I arrived with her. They snuggled and talked and giggled and played. It was so sweet. They were so excited to see each other. And we all had dinner together. We watched a movie together. He had even helped me make dinner. It was really nice. But then her bedtime rolls around. He's tired, she's tired. He just wants her to go to bed. What he doesn't realize is that when a toddler is tired...THAT tired... they do everything in their power to stay awake. She's rolling around on the bed. She's flip flopping on the bed. She's kicking the book, she's kicking him, she's putting her hand over my mouth so it's muffled when I try to read. It was irritating but at the same time, you have to remember that she's doing it because she's tired. Of course, correct her, but don't be mean. I feel bad for him. I can't begin to imagine how he feels being in the situations that he's in... so I understand why he's been feeling the way he's feeling lately. It just sucks that everyone around him feels the effects of it as well. And I know that's really hard for him too. He keeps saying how he thinks he isn't good enough for me. Because he feels helpless. Like he's not doing what he knows he should be. Or that he's not capable of giving me what I deserve. And his fear is that I'm going to leave. He said that he would let me, that he knows I deserve better, and he would be sad... but he loves me enough that he would let me go. In hopes that I would find what I deserve. And that broke my heart. I feel like I was the one in the very same position for the last 5 years. That I was the one holding on for dear life because I was so in love with him and he just kept leaving. Leaving me crumpled and hurt. And it has taken him this long to finally commit to me, or...whatever this is, and he's now the one afraid that I'm going to leave him. Does he not understand that this is all I've wanted from him for the last 5 years? Does he not see all the pain and sadness he may have intentionally or unintentionally inflicted on me and I allowed it? All because I had hoped someday he would come around and realize that I am everything he needs. That nobody will ever love him or care for him the way I do. It's now...finally...now that he realizes it. Is it too good to be true? Is he holding onto me now because I'm safe? I suppose that's a question that may never get answered.
I look at him sometimes.... and one of his conversations I read through facebook keeps replaying in my head. And it makes my stomach turn, and it breaks my heart. It's not something I think I can get over. It's in moments of quiet...peace and comfort that I just stare at him and smile. And then the memory somehow makes it's way to the forefront of my mind. Popping up at the worst moments. Well, any moment it pops up is the worst moment in this case, but specifically the moments of good that I'm having, it comes to destroy it. Almost as if it's a reminder of the type of person he is capable of being. It makes me physically ill. And I question if I can ever get over it. If I can move on and trust that he will keep his word. That he's my guy. He is mine. And I am his. There's nobody else. But, I've thought that before and ended up dying inside little by little because of the things he has said or done to me. Is this really how I want to live the rest of my life? Do I want to constantly wonder if I can trust him? That he can actually change? Or that he wants to? I just don't know. It's typical male nature to want to "spread your seed" but how exactly does that work when you claim to be in love with someone? How can you let yourself be put in situations that could potentially end up having sex with someone you barely know. Or someone you do know, rather well in fact. And how can you live with yourself after... After fucking her and then telling me you love me before we say goodnight. How can you do that? My heart is breaking all over again. And I can feel my mood shifting. He's going to see it on my face and ask me what's wrong. I don't want to tell him. I don't want this to be a conversation we have tonight. Not even a little bit. It'll fuck everything up. We will both go to sleep angry. Not even LIKELY, but guaranteed that we will be in separate beds. I think he can sense it. He's becoming distant and doing the little things he does when things start to get awkward and tense between us. I'm scared. Not that he will hurt me, god no, but that we will go to bed tonight with my heart thudding loudly and quickly in my chest from anxiety...that my jaw will clench and my teeth will grind, and that the nightmares will ensue. I was so happy to not be having them anymore. And then last night, well... I wouldn't call them nightmares. Maybe just bad dreams. But the anxiety seems to induce the nightmares. And that makes for a horrible nights sleep. What little I end up getting. And having the baby back, well that just can't happen. Especially because I'm the one that gets up with her in the morning and I am the one that has to do everything. I dunno...I think now I'm just complaining. And the jaw clenching and teeth grinding in already starting and I'm in so much pain. I just want to sleep now. Sleep and forget. But only if I don't have nightmares. Please, I pray that I don't have any tonight.
Maybe if I'm good...I'll get to cum tonight. With him. =( Been a while. Maybe that's my problem. Or it's PMS. He left to go get me a Ben & Jerry's because of my mood shift. I kinda made it impossible not to go. Asked him how I was gonna keep this ass fat if he didn't feed me ice cream. He literally got up off the bed and went in the bathroom and put his clothes back on. He's not all bad. His intentions, most of the time, are good.
wtf. I'm stuck.