untoldbeauty

shattered heart
2019-05-24 20:04:08 (UTC)

not good enough

I've just been in bed crying n trembling with anxiety because I feel like I'm just putting him off me. Its so stupid but I made a private Instagram just with a load of cute stuff like dolls n what not and I mean its kinda cringy because it probably seems a little childish to anyone that doesn't understand the whole aesthetic with it. And my man requested to follow it and like I was super apprehensive about it since idk he might think its childish and weird and probably cringe at it. But hey I trust him so I let him follow and then all of a sudden he started being super off with me and not speaking to me etc. So I thought damn he must think I'm a weirdo now and not grown up or sophisticated like I should be idk. But its just an aesthetic I follow and plus its kinda comforting for me because I love stuff like that as it brings back memories from my childhood. But yeah, so he started being weird with me and then he posted on his story a pic (he's going to work tonight) and put date night underneath it??? Like I know its stupid because its like a Snapchat default thing you can put on your pics. And I know he's only going to work and not on a date but it just freaked me out because I'm already anxious about all the girls that go to the pub he works in and how they all talk to him etc. So what if he's implying that because it feels like a date night for him with all the girls there. I just burst into tears and felt so anxious I nearly threw up. Because now I feel like I've put him off of me with the whole Instagram account stuff, and now he's going off to be with all the other girls at his work. I feel stupid and sick and gross. I hate myself and I feel like I never should have made the account because I fee like I've made a fool of myself now and he must look at all these other girls and think about how sophisticated and grown up they are and how I look like a stupid baby. I'm so upset and worried that he's going to leave me at some point now. I feel like I'm not his type anymore. It hurts so badly and I feel so depressed and don't know what to do about it. I'm so sad because I've been feeling so happy lately and things had been going great with us up until now, and now i feel like its all over. And all I can do is sit at home and cry and worry about what's going on, and if he's still going to love me by the time he gets home, or if he's gonna stay and drink with some other girl, I just can't cope with any of this. I wish I didn't have to be in love because then I wouldn't have any of this to think about, but I love him to pieces and I don't feel like he feels the same. I may be overthinking it all but I just doubt it by the way he is when he's in that environment, you just never know what could happen with all the stuff that goes down there. And plus he probably wants to be single for the summer because you can go out and do what you like. I must just be a prison sentence for him, he probably feels like he can't go and experiment with all these other girls if I'm there. I just hate myself




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