Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2019-05-24 04:41:07 (UTC)

consistency I guess

boy. tonight's a zinger. that boy Jon aint really texting back and we had plans tonight. I mean he responded two hours after we had plans for a date but then he didn't even acknowledge anything happened. he just sent an innocent hey what's up. like did you forget.

it's debatable because I texted him like a half hour after our planned date time. But you better believe I was waiting up that whole half hour to see if he'd show initiative to get the plans going. Then he didn't. so I went and did my own thing and ran 5 miles.

I can feel myself getting crazy and insecure in this relationship. if I were to really lay down the facts, though, it's okay to let go of it all because really I am not ready to date. neither is he. I thought'd we'd be compatible given our own respective levels of emotional availability but I don't think it's going to work, especially if he's not really willing to show up in the same way.
It's a bummer, sure, that we can't work through this change together in our own chemistry, but I think he honestly wants different things.
or am I moving to fast in rushing my hurt feelings to the conclusion of it's a relationship ending.
it is the second time he hurt me like this.

honestly honestly. I don't even like myself lately.
I'm struggling to get myself up and out in the morning just enough to see to my own goals. I'm getting lazy, and I don't want to let myself cling to another relationship or anything just to escape my own pain in the fear of progress and change.

oh my me babe.
yesterday I was hoping to get intimate in order to rock these fears to sleep in the arms of somebody. now I get that they are my own and bringing them to the table's just gonna color everything green.

I want to get my own shit out of the way so that my life can be what I'd like. I guess I just keep switching that up on what I believe that is.

and the own shit I got in my own way is my perception of what work and life means, and how it feels like growing always happens at an expense to your past self, and how to let go of all that pain and make peace with those who may not ever get to live the life you'll lead if you keep going?
I feel like society has always been a question of those who have and those who have not. there's not any helping to be done, no society, we'll never be on the same page. it seems. it's confusing.

that's the best I can articulate the problem I've been walking with for now. I hope I can see through this self love into another place where it's easy to pursue the things I'd like in my life. I wish it were easier to love myself into a better state.
at least he made it easy for me to remember myself by bringing me the pain of insecurity.

(there's a strong chance I'll still not know how to draw that line between me and him and move forward)




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