Living

Journal
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2019-05-22 22:20:33 (UTC)

Intro

Everyday I wake up and feel as if I am someone different. Some days I wake up ready to be active and go to work. Meanwhile, other days I feel like I can't do anything. I feel like the slightest inconvenience makes me feel worthless. I cannot go a day where I don't have one moment where I feel like everything is wrong. I feel as if I cannot do anything since I always get upset, angry, or give off attitude. I am attractive to some and unattractive to myself. I play it off as if I know I am gorgeous and I compliment myself 24/7. In actual reality I say it more than anyone else does. I wish for a tiny waist and bigger breasts. I have thick thighs to match my chubby arms. My face has always been chubby, but there was a moment where it was skinny and I actually had a nice jawline. I have had boyfriends, many boyfriends. However, I always get screwed over. By either cheating, too clingy, and even some I paid everything for because they had a rough month. Well that rough month turned into months then turned into years. I feel as if I am currently dating my future husband. I know its too soon to tell since we are not even a year, but I love our connection. I feel bad when I am with him though. I think I overthink things and have my sad attitude which makes things worse. I just wish I did not have these insecurities or mood swings. I do know that he does frustrate me constantly with complaints and even the way he doesn't go above and beyond. I know he says these things to make feel better about myself. Although, some times he says stupid things that actually make things worse. I tell him constantly when I do not like something and he just beats himself up about it like a cry baby he is. He is a crybaby without the crying he gets sad he will complain if he bumps his elbow crying as if he shattered a bone. I am just over his cry baby attitude. You hurt my feelings, I confronted you to let you know that you hurt my feelings, so now you're gonna be upset and act like you gonna cry? No that just trying to get sympathy from me and I expect an apology since those are so rare to receive. Maybe I am too mean or maybe I just don't like bullshit things. Whatever it is, I still feel like I am the sole cause for all the bad that occurs. My mood swings, temper, and intolerance damper everything I do. I feel like I cannot shake it off. I am destroyer of my own happiness.

- SOS


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