Scream Above the Sounds
Love Yourself II
I can't believe it's almost June, the exams are upon us! I've had a lot of time to reflect on the last year, I have mixed emotions and still feel there is a lot of work to be done; more personal development and making sure I follow the right path. I feel that college has brought me back, inspired me and given me a sense of purpose that I just never had. I took a job and started working night shifts in a retail store with no aspirations, no motive, I was just existing. It's strange to type the next sentence but, I genuinely feel like breaking up with my girlfriend may have saved my life. Not that she was a bad person, she was a beautiful soul.
The breakup set off a chain of events that I didn't know how to handle; infact I believe a situation like that is impossible to handle. You're drowning, you're suffocating, but the only thing you can do is keep going. You scratch, you claw and you keep your head above the water. I started keeping a diary and logging everything, whether it was just how my day had gone or over 100 tedious entries of depression, it has everything. I still continue to write there now and have no plans to stop. I feel the diary was the catalyst for this 'personal development' I mention. It unleashed a passion and dare I say, a talent? Admittedly, I am drawn to dark and depressing material, whether it is books, diary entries, music. I take a strange solace in those things.
Depression is something that not many people understand. I want to be happy so bad and it's so haunting and eerie to think I may never get there. When I type entries like these, I often feel like this is everything I've said before. It's laughable to think a couple of years may pass and I might still find myself writing the same things. I find myself waking up in the middle of the night sometimes and thinking about everything. Where am I going to be in 5 years? Will I even be alive? This emptiness has consumed me for so long and I've plunged into an abyss so deep that I don't feel anybody can bring me back from it. The only person who can save me is myself. It's a strange sense of grief; emptiness. How does it even make sense? How can feeling nothing hurt so fucking bad? This feeling of emptiness, isolation, desolation and fear. It builds up and the feeling intensifies to a point where you must seek relief, however you can. The hollowness seems too endless to bear, so you start grasping. You smoke, you drink, you over eat, you stay up late, you sleep around. You do whatever it takes so you just FIND something to help you feel like there's a fucking purpose and you can feel fulfilled, even though it's temporary.
I had a message in my diary a couple of months ago, it reads :- 'Hey edd! I hope this meets you well. I stumbled upon this diary of yours some months ago, and have been a silent follower ever since.
You may not know this but your updates about going back to college have really inspired me. I mean, I'm just 23 and I thought I was already too old and then I came across your updates and you've shown me our age is nothing but a number. So, thank you.
You're an amazing person and I can assure you your best days are ahead of you, despite all you may have gone through in the past. Just keep being amazing, and stay winning, wherever you are.'
The internet is a very powerful place. It made me feel so good to hear that. I feel SO much better now, generally speaking. In regards to everything in my relationship, whether it was lies or just emotional abuse; I feel exonerated and liberated, finally. I never believed I did anything wrong and whilst I may not always say the right thing, I know my heart is always in the right place. Reflecting on everything that happened, there was a recurring theme. That theme is self love. I truly believe that you can't love somebody until you love yourself. I believe that was a monumental issue for me. I have never truly loved myself or been happy with myself, and I think that completely snowballed during the relationship.
I've been thinking about things and people that make me happy. Some of those people aren't around anymore, some have died, some have left, some have just got tired of my shit I guess. I'm grateful for the people that I do have, but ultimately I think there is a big fear of me being alone for the rest of my life. I know that sounds a little dramatic. Sometimes I talk about it as if it isn't that important and hey, maybe it isn't. I don't believe that you NEED somebody to be happy, but nobody really wants to be alone, do they? They say that 'there is somebody for everybody' and I firmly believe that. I just think the 'somebody's' who were meant for me are either gone or the chance has completely passed me by. I don't want to be alone forever because I did have hopes and aspirations for a family someday. It still scares me to think about a family, even at 28. I guess I'm still in a very weird transitional phase in my life, where I'm studying and things aren't exactly stable. I just don't think I'll ever find somebody who truly gets me. Everybody is getting married and having kids and it just makes me think, why was I so stupid growing up? Why didn't I pay attention? Why didn't I aspire to be something better? Why was I happy working nights in a shitty retail store for 3 years? I know I'm making a difference now but..why not before?
I don't know if or when it will be, but I just hope I can feel some sort of fulfilment one day. I'm not even sure what that 'fulfilment' is, and I guess that's why I'm still looking for my light. I don't know if it's happiness, a relationship, maybe it's just everything. Just feeling content and knowing the train that is your life is finally on the right track. I feel like I've been a runaway train for years. There is finally direction but I need to focus, push myself and try and stay positive. It's just so difficult when you feel so alone and all of your best friends are scattered across different countries.
My plan is to continue in the college I'm at now. I'm going to study an access course named 'Humanities' and then hopefully pursue creative writing. I'm not sure in what capacity, I had a dream of maybe being a sports journalist, or maybe I could write fantasy things for Blizzard Entertainment someday. I like this quote from Fight Club, just maybe not in the psychotic sense it's used: 'It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything'
I lost it all: my relationship, my apartment, my kittens. I was broken, yet here I stand. With a sense of direction, purpose and belief; something that I have lacked my whole life. If you can start to love and appreciate yourself, you can do anything.
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