Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2019-05-21 03:38:38 (UTC)

consoling faith from the burnout state

I still feel at the bottom of a large imposing mountain, with a load of expectation weighing on my back. I'm reaching the point in my journey where endurance matters, and putting care into my thoughts and how I choose to make myself available to certain things will define me. Basically, I have to be choosy for my own sake.

That's besides how I've been feeling today. Today has been me, laying, sleeping, just letting my mind sit with the feelings I've been feeling. Yesterday and today I've sort of felt like my insecurities were starting to hit that fever pitch that makes everything feel like white noise and yearning for comfort. Also, I had period pains so that feeling of being low on iron could've affected me too.

I'm trying to put that discomfort behind me, especially because sitting with it for a moment, I felt that it was the emotional kind. I felt like I was starting to see my actions lay out before me in a way where I was being someone I wasn't proud of being, yet I felt trapped and couldn't change.
I'm starting to think that what's best for me may just be to walk with this burnout feeling a little while longer. It's indicative of something to do with the way I attach myself in relationships- I get so desperate I forget me.

I haven't tended to my own ambitions lately. I haven't applied for jobs. I feel disconnected from the reality I wish to seek.
And that's just the beginning of where my feelings are wrong.
Because I feel unsafe in admitting how weak I feel about everything. I feel alone.
but that's okay. I'm reconnecting with another good, old friend.
I have a lot to be grateful for laid ahead of me. Learning to tend to myself takes time, I'm learning to be gentile and still meet life with strength. I'll just have to communicate where I'm at with this guy I'm seeing better. I know I can start to open the gates of communicating about emotions if we take it slow. I'm excited to see if I can help him feel comfortable to speak about these things too.

I just got to take care of me first.

Tonight, I was proud of the way I handled working out with my friend. We were doing our thing working out by each other when her acquaintance from college approached her and they talked for awhile. I was feeling jealous of the genorously kind energy she was giving when I felt like we weren't really on that level just hanging. Then I was taking a break between reps and I saw on snap she gave a shoutout to this girl she'd just seen, and I felt weird about it since we were hanging out and it wasn't really about this other girl.

Anyways, I brought up how it seems like she knows everybody in the locker room and she started talking down about the other girl like it was no big thing- she said that the girl was a neighbor in her dorm and she actually found her quite annoying. but I realized she was downplaying it to sort of negate the fact that she did that snap story thing and to make me feel less alienated. I didn't really want to feel jealous so I just decided that it was okay, and that whatever shady behavior she just manifested out of insecurity, I would do my best to understand. I told her instead that it's okay and it's good to know people, even if you don't like them that much it's nice to be able to reconnect like that about little things.

I felt good about that.
like, Michelle Obama good. 'they go low, we go high.'
anyways I just spent way to much time talking about my own horn-tooting. so imma be out this b and go to sleep.




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