Scream Above the Sounds
I had been talking with a friend for the past day or two, she suffers from depression too. Our mindsets and outlook are extremely similar and it's honestly so weird that somebody understands the thoughts and feelings I have sometimes. I wrote something last year on Facebook, something I never really do. It was 'World Mental Health Day' and people were posting things left and right, some were good, some were clearly taking the piss for a bit of attention. It's okay to be sad, worn out, fed up, it's life, it happens. Don't confuse those things with depression though.
This is what I wrote;
'You won't find me posting about things much or ever typing anything as personal at this, but I can't deal with people talking as if they know what depression truly is, just because they feel a bit down or want to jump in on other people's grief or trauma.
Depression is something that I have dealt with since I was 15 years old and it grinds my gears when people try and make other people's grief their own, just for a bit of attention or a few likes on Facebook or whatever the goal is. You should count your blessings that you'll never ever have to deal with it because it's torture. Depression is something that will consume you and make you feel completely worthless. I lost everything this year and I came extremely close to ending my life. This isn't a post for pity or sympathy, this is a post to try and make people understand. It's amazing when you see people posting about World Mental Health Day and they were the people who made fun of you, looked and talked down to you, made you feel like the smallest person in the world and bullied the shit out of you in school.
My perfect example of somebody with depression is Chester Bennington from Linkin Park. Chester had it all and it wasn't enough. That's the scariest fucking thought ever. He was married, he had 6 children, money was never an issue, he was successful, he was loved, he was SO loved....and it wasn't enough. A picture was taken of him and his family the day before he killed himself and you would never in a million years be able to tell that he felt the way he did. You never truly know what's going on inside somebody's head. It's heartbreaking. I'm scared I might end up going down the same road. I don't fancy myself to end up successful or even married with children but if I did, in the back of my mind, there is a self destruct button and I'm like a moth in the light. I'll press that button every single time.
That is what depression truly is. This isn't something that we need to acknowledge just for today. This should be everyday. Why can't people just be nice to one another? We have to save each other. It takes strength to be gentle and kind.'
A lot of people don't know that I genuinely suffer from depression so it received a lot of attention and I even had a few messages of people saying that they had no idea. It wasn't supposed to be some sort of publicity stunt or a cry for help though, I just wanted people to understand how it feels. People would never assume I suffered from depression, not unless they read this diary anyway. I wear many masks and humour has always been a very important tool. I barricade the windows and the doors just as much as the next person who suffers, it doesn't stop the demons from getting in but we do what we can. It's a sense of dread that you can never really escape. I feel you can manage it better, but never escape it. It's so much more than just 'I don't want to go to work today'. You feel trapped, rooted, helpless. Some people don't understand depression, but it's honestly so haunting and soul destroying. It's the black dog of the night that robs you of joy. A noon day demon that only you can see. It's so exhausting, longing for a happiness never tasted. It's a strange sense of grief; emptiness. How does it even make sense? How can feeling nothing hurt so fucking bad? This feeling of emptiness, isolation, desolation and fear. It builds up and the feeling intensifies to a point where you must seek relief, however you can. The hollowness seems too endless to bear, so you start grasping. You smoke, you drink, you over eat, you stay up late, you sleep around. You do whatever it takes so you just FIND something to help you feel like there's a fucking purpose and you can feel fulfilled, even though it's temporary.
I actually feel okay at the moment. I just felt that this was something I needed to write and I hope if anybody reads this, it can help in some way. My advice is; however bad it is, however much it hurts...don't give up. I almost did. I'm still standing after enduring and inflicting a lot of pain on myself, and others. The only thing we can do is learn from our mistakes. I feel like happiness will always elude me but I'm studying now, I will continue to, I'll attend uni, and if I STILL don't feel like I have a shred of pride or happiness, I can at least say I tried.
Try a new drinks recipe site