IsItJustMe?

I do this to myself. I think...
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2019-05-18 16:59:41 (UTC)

BirthDAY

I certainly got what I wanted last night. And then some. It was fantastic. I slept like a rock, and had another night with no nightmares.
Woke up this morning terribly groggy. I did not want to get out of bed. In fact, even after a large iced latte, I still want to sleep.
We go up, got dressed and went out for some coffee. Since it's his birthday, He had a 'free coffee' coupon he wanted to use up. After getting our lattes and munchkins for the munchkin, we head over to the mall. Not his idea, but mine. I need underwear and was hoping to stop and get some. We walk around a bit... stop at a Microsoft store and ask about some laptops (I'm currently researching one for purchase) and browse. I found one in particular that I initially didn't even consider.
After that, we walk toward the store where I planned on looking for underwear. He tells me to turn left, I glance over, but don't see the store. I look back and him, lift my hands up and put them out to the side and half shrug. "that's not the store... the kid games? Am I looking at those?" He tells me no, and to turn left. So I do. And again I don't understand what it is he's trying to point out to me. So I smile and exhale a "what?!" And he points to the name. Medusa. I hadn't paid very close attention to what the store was, mostly because it was very simple. Not colorful. It didn't stand out. So it didn't really cross my mind. However, when I really looked, it was full of Bellybutton rings. Earrings. Tongue rings. Eyebrow rings. Nose rings. I was drawn in. I looked at him and smiled and walked right in. I looked around in Awe. I was in heaven. I've been wanting to have my nose pierced for as long as I can remember. But never went to have it done. Today, that would change. Because of him. On His Birthday. I have elated. I pay and go sit down. He goes out to the main part of the mall with the baby to keep her occupied. Or...attempt at best. She was behaving and so happy to be there! Today was the day. Today was the perfect day for all of these things to be happening because today is his birthday. He deserved some relaxing out of the house stuff. Typically, we cannot take her anywhere.
It was painful. If given the chance, I don't know if I would do it again. I've certainly had worse pain than that, but it was unnecessary. I don't even know if it looks as good as I had hoped. Now that I think about it...the pain wasn't actually that bad. Not until after I got hit. Let me fast forward to after I got it done and met up with my boyfriend and the baby.
They were doing well. She was mostly behaving, a bit hyperactive for him, but behaving. However, His anxiety started flaring up so we wanted to make the rest of this trip quick. We wrangle up the baby, go up the escalator, and head toward the store. She goes limp. Dead weight. Then her arms stiffen as she tries to pull her hands away from ours. Long story short, we didn't get underwear. We went down the other escalator to head out but she had other plans. She runs back over to the children's games and He's getting flustered trying to calmly call her over to Him. I tell him to go outside and get some fresh air and I'll handle it. I walk over to her, and she's trying to run away from me. I distract her by putting money into one of the games and coaxing her into coming to me and helping me play. We play a bit and she gets bored and distracted by something so she starts to wander off. I ditch the game, making sure I have all my things with me and follow her. She starts to toddler run from me screeching "no momma, no. No hep (help). Go!" But I don't go. Because she is not wandering off by herself. I try to pick her up and she goes limp. I grab hold of her and she starts flailing her limbs so I toss her over my shoulder. I start heading toward the exit where He's waiting outside for us and she's still wriggling around. Screaming. I'm dying of embarrassment inside. Not because she's throwing a fit...She's 2, children that age throw tantrums all the time. It was because she was kicking me while doing so. I tried to hold her legs down, but as I moved my arm, she managed to shimmy down a bit so she was no longer over my shoulder. She was at the perfect spot to do what she did next. She leaned back, pulling back her arm and swinging at me. She hit my right across the face. So hard, she caused my glasses to go falling, and the end of my nose ring to scrape against the inside of my nose, leaving a shallow cut. Not deep enough for it to cause blood to run out of my nose, but enough to leave spots on the tissue the man at the piercing place gave to me for my watering eye. I had enough. I grabbed my glasses, marched toward the door and was met by her father.
"I'm done. I'm so fucking done. I'm giving her away. She just fucking slapped me so hard...my nose is throbbing and my glasses ended up on the floor." All while this child is still writhing in my arms. Screeching and crying. Swinging her arms and legs about trying to strike me again. I wanted to drop her. To put her down, and walk away. Leave her there. Let her become someone else's problem. But her father stepped in and grabbed her. Not that it made the situation much better because she was just as awful for him. Poor man. He didn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his ass. He hates being in situations like that. And I don't blame him. Even those with years of experience have difficulties staying calm in those situations. I was going to lose my mind. And he, right along with me. We get her in the car. I apologize to him so many times. SO MANY. And he doesn't understand why. I feel like a failure. Like I'm incompetent. Like I can't be a mother because she is just so defiant. And most times it seems to be on purpose. He assures me that we will work together, no matter how much time it takes to help her. I Manage to keep her quiet for the duration of the ride back to his place. She's tired. Maybe hungry. But definitely cranky and rotten. We were getting her ready for her nap before he left for a bit and she's standing by him asking if she can help. I'm stripping the bed so I can wash the bedding. "I just don't get it. How can you love something and hate something SO MUCH all at the same time?" I ask out loud. "I know...I really don't know though." He replies. "I'm not saying I hate her, Please don't think that...I just...I love being a parent. But I hate it so much at the same time." "I completely understand" he says. "It's tough. And it sucks."
So now, she's in the bedroom, doing God knows what. She's supposed to be in bed though. Doubt she is. I Just needed to get this off my chest. I felt like her outburst earlier was going to completely ruin his day. I'm determined to not let that happen. Not to him.
I'll be back later on to write more. Because...there's more.
Till then.
Adios


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