I do this to myself. I think...
2019-05-17 03:13:23 (UTC)

I'm tired

I don't know where to start. I don't know if I feel the need to go into all that happened today. I'm tired. And frustrated.
Something is going on with my nephew. I don't care to think about it at the moment because it upsets me greatly. And..I'd really like to keep it out of my head for the moment. At least until something can be figured out.
The baby is becoming unbearable. Her overreactions and tantrums are pushing me to the edge. Typically, yes, I understand children at this age act out and misbehave. But intentionally hurting others? Out of nowhere...for no apparent reason. That's not okay. And I'd really rather not resort to physical punishments. I don't want to spank my children. Or slap their hands or mouths. I just want them to listen. I would have died of embarrassment for any parent who went into public and had their children acting the way mine do. I can't take it. I'm at a complete loss. What do I do? ...What do I do?

I think she's too young to be diagnosed with anything. But her pediatrician told me to look up something called "IED". I did. Something Explosive Disorder. And it is unfortunately fitting for her. Its scary to be quite honest. But at 2? Newly 2 at that. How do they know? I've been around all sorts of children my entire life. And never have I encountered a child who had random outbursts of anger the way she does. What happened? She was such a good baby.
I think it's really getting to Him. Her father. It's driving a wedge between the 2 of us. He was never ready to be a dad. He was never ready for any type of commitment. But... after he got over the initial shock and anger, he sucked it up and said he would be there for her because he wanted to try to be a better father to our child than his dad was to him and his sister. He didn't want to abandon her. He didn't want to leave her wondering what could have been. Would that have been so bad? I wouldn't know. I still have both my parents around. Yes, they may not be married anymore. But they were most of my life.
He... He is different. You can see in his eyes how much he loves this baby. How much he cares about her. But you can also see how terrified he is. He doesn't know how to be a father. And that really bothers him. But...times like tonight.. I think he questions whether it was a good idea that he stuck around, or let us live with him again. She's out of control and it's just system overload for him. He's already stressing out about so much. Now he has this tiny human running around screaming and crying constantly for Lord knows whatever reason. It's irritating. And frustrating. And stressful. Even more so for him. He's not used to chaos like I am. He is sensitive to loud noises and gets overwhelmed very easily. But I honestly think he needs to just suck it up. There's no secret to being a good parent. You just need to do it. No class. No skills. No.. genetic type thing people are born with makes you a good parent. It's quite simple. Just. Do. It. Don't think about it. Change her diaper. Feed her if she's hungry. Hug and kiss her if she's hurt or leaving or coming home. Tell her you love her every chance you get. Watch tv with her. Play with her. Teach her things you love. I mean... that's about it. It's mostly the punishing and discipline that he has the most difficulty with. His father used to get drunk and hit him as a child. He doesn't want to get angry at the baby and lose control. He's not a violent person. But you can see that the reactions he has to the babys actions...and he's trying so hard not to get angry with her.
He was so overwhelmed and frustrated tonight at the fact she would not let either one of us leave the bedroom. We walked out after reading to her and saying goodnight. But she wasn't having it. I just about broke down and cried because I'm just so exhausted. I've been dealing with it alllllll day when I was with her. While nannying she was horrid. Just crying and screaming and hitting the little boy. Even though she loves him. Then while we were at my moms, she was mean to the little baby. She calls him "boy" because we are constantly saying "hi handsome boy" to him. She doesn't speak very well yet, so she just picked up on boy and that's his name to her now. He's the light of her life. But she was mean to him. Which is unlike her. I had an appointment so I left her with my sister and my mom. She had just been laid down for a nap before I left. I returned, and she was up and playing and seemed okay. Until she wasn't. My mom had left so I called her asking how long she had slept. She hadn't. Lovely. I get to deal with a cranky and tired heathen child. I had to leave for my other job in just an hour. Poor whomever gets stuck babysitting her.. My mom returned not long after that. The baby attacked her younger cousin. I mean...they fight all the time. They both bite, pinch, punch, kick, push, slap...and pull each others hair. It's ridiculous! We joke sometimes and call it "baby fight club" but in reality, we hate when they do it. They both scream and cry like Banshees.
I just don't know where to go from here. I left for my other job and hoped that the baby would sleep. I got back late, because right after that job, I had to go pick the boys up that I nanny for and then go grab the baby. My mom told me that she basically screamed and cried for me the whole time I was gone. Up until right before her and her cousin went outside to play. Like 20 minutes before I got there. My mom was going to keep her for me tonight so I could get some sleep since I've been sick and not sleeping well... and just so exhausted. But they had a houseful and the baby was a screamer today. Nobody wants to deal with that if they don't have to. I get it. I was upset, but I got over it. I just feel like He has taken on more than he can handle.. but he loves us both too much to change anything. He doesn't wanna lose us. I understand. But I'm going crazy too. I feel like our nights have been slowly getting worse. It feels cold and distant. Usually right as we are going to bed.
Maybe we are both just tired and I'm looking too much into it. Making something out of nothing. I do that a lot. But sometimes.. I'm not wrong.

-sigh- I need some sleep.