IsItJustMe?

I do this to myself. I think...
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2019-05-16 00:47:54 (UTC)

Ugh

I don't typically make more than one entry in a day. Today I suppose is a different story.
For some reason, my day went really well. I was excited to end the day and get home to my boyfriend.
However, as the day went on, I got into an argument with my mother. Over money. Why does it always come back to money? I hate the stuff. It's great to have, but terrible to have when someone else is in need. Especially your family.
Anyway, we got into an argument and it totally set me off. Flipped my mood entirely. So when He texts me, my text tone seems a bit..off. I told him my morning is going rough. I contemplate telling him what was going on, but was nervous that he would be upset with me about the money. He hates it when I lend money out and don't get paid back. That's always the case. I don't have hardly any to begin with. But I still get asked constantly.. Even after saying I don't have it to lend out. I get promised, and they swear up and down that they will pay me back. I know full well that I won't. They don't work. And if they do, they always have a bill or something else come up out of nowhere to pay and will have to get me back next time.
Honestly. What. The. Fuck.
Back to Him. I end up venting to him. He's not really that upset. Probably because I didn't tell him the whole truth. Just that she was asking me for money. And how much it irritated me. He told me he understood. And if there was anything he could do for me, to let him know and he will help me however he can. I told him to just be there for me. He's all I have. That's how I feel. Like maybe I need to distance myself from my family for a bit. Gather myself. Stop letting them drag me down when I'm constantly pushing through what feels like wet cement just to function like a person. I've worked on boundaries in therapy. And I'm great at knowing It all and remembering everything it entails.. However, applying it to myself and the people it needs to be applied to is, well, a lot more difficult than I was anticipating.. So, I'm stuck. in this vicious cycle. And I do it to myself. I allow it to happen.
I thank him and tell him that I feel really bad that I feel like he's all I have. Because that puts an enormous amount of pressure on him to try harder to be there for me because I have nobody. All while he's going through his own shit.
So, later on... The baby is napping and I'm alone. I get to reading, and I happen to read some steamy stuff. It kinda got me going. So I text Him and say "I just read something and got myself all worked up."
That got his attention.
We flirt and talk dirty a bit to each other before he has to get back to work. I was excited to see him later when we were both done working. He had wanted to do so many things to me.
I got out earlier than normal. So I arrived very shortly after he does. We were very excited to see each other and I go inside while the baby sits outside with Him as he works on the car.
I'll skip all the tiny details. But we end up laying the baby down early because he wants to snuggle. Instantly, I'm excited. That usually means it's time to get some.
But, to my disappointment, he asks if I want to talk.
Yes, of course I do, but can't we save it for after? The baby is laying down. We are alone. And you want to talk? WTF!? I just stare at him. my heart slowing down from its flutters. I shrug and ask him what about. He says about the things we had talked about earlier. I thought he mean sex. But he was actually referring to the situation with my mom and me wanting to get my nose pierced.
No, actually I would rather fuck you, if I'm being honest. But I didn't say that.
"I'm tired." He says, closing his eyes and holding me close. I let out a sigh and a tear rolled down my cheek. I knew I shouldn't be upset. He works hard. and his days are long. But I was upset. Last night, I didn't get off. He did.
It would be nice if, for once, he would offer to take care of me. Instead of me always making sure he's taken care of. Is that so much to ask? Is that not a normal want? Or need?
Am I being unreasonable?
We laid there in silence for a bit. He noticed I was upset. Probably knew why, but asked anyway. I lied. Well, Mostly. I told him about something else that was bothering me. We chatted a bit about it.
End result... I'm in bed with the baby. And he's in our bed. I said it was because when I went to check on her, she was so excited to see me that I couldn't just leave her. So I was just going to lay with her for a bit. But I took this opportunity to maybe give him the chance to not be upset and show me he wanted me. That he wouldn't let the negative emotions take him over.
"can I get you anything before I go back in?"
"an explanation"
so I tell him. refer to the above paragraph.
"do you not want me to?"
"You can do whatever you want"
"I know I can. But you didn't answer the question"
He paused for a bit. "If you'd like, you can"
So I hug him, kiss his forehead and say "you still didn't answer my question, though"
We said our goodnights and I love yous.
Does he not want me in bed with him? Why Is he acting like this? I didn't do anything wrong! At least, I don't think so. I don't think I did or said anything that was out of line. Maybe that's why he's upset. Because He knew I was hurt. And its the result of something he has done. something he did that he knew was wrong but did anyway.
Whatever. I wish he would have just told me he wanted me to sleep with him tonight.
And I'd really like the opportunity to have MY ORGASM!!!


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