I do this to myself. I think...
Here it goes
I’ve kept a personal journal off and on for quite some time. I always seem to stop writing after a while. First it will be days. Then it will be weeks. Then before I know it, 3-4 months have passed me by and not a single entry.
I listened to an audiobook over the last 3 days.. and it kind of inspired me to write again. Only this time, I’m using my phone. I’m anonymous. Well, to those that might be reading it. And I suppose it’s better that way. I’m afraid of my children or my family... or my boyfriend, for that matter, finding it. There are so many things swirling around in my head that I hate having the burden of carrying around. And I have a therapist, but still feel this way.
I suppose I’m just too afraid to completely let my guard down. To anyone. Bits and pieces here, not usually to the same people either.
I don’t have any friends. Maybe some acquaintances...no. Let me rephrase that. I don’t even have those. I know people I’m friendly toward. But nobody I go out of my way to hang out with. Nobody I can pick up the phone to call or text in my time of need. Whether it be a hilarious joke I just heard, or something that made me so angry and I’m still in my right mind but need someone to talk me down, or when I’m feeling so sad that I’m depressed and ready to completely starve myself or eat so much that a buffet would have to escort me away.
Usually I like it that way. Always saying things like “I don’t have time to make friends. I don’t have the patience for their drama or small talk or ridiculous lives”. In reality, I do have time. Well, mostly. For the moment. I’m classified as a “stay at home mom”. But it keeps me busy. And I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted. So do I really have the time? Certainly not the patience.
I do crave the presence of a friend. I had 2 best friends. I just moved out of one of their apartments. We had a falling out over money because she’s a stingy, money hungry bitch. She’s selfish. So we are no longer friends. I’m sure I’ll elaborate more on that another time, just to get it off my chest. But for now, I need to stick to what’s at the forefront of my mind.
The second one was shady. We had the ultimate “love-hate” friendship. I loved her and was so comfortable with her.. I allowed her to shower with me. She had even shave my area for me when I wasn’t up for it. But she had ulterior motives. Ones that created the “hate” part of our friendship. She had a thing for my boyfriend. Which, at the time, he was not my boyfriend. But I was pregnant, which he was very unhappy about, and living with him. But if you asked him, I was not his girlfriend. Even if he told me he loved me, and hugged me and kissed me and fucked me all the time. Maybe it was just convenient. Whatever the reason, I don’t want to get into it right now.
She slept with him. They were best friends for years. No attraction between the both of them. She had a boyfriend and he.. well, honestly he couldn’t stand her. She drove him crazy with her complaining and whining all the time. Too much drama. “She gives me a headache. I hate talking to her. Most of the time I just ignore her”.
He introduced us. And never would I ever had suspected something like that would happen. Never. But it did. Quite a few times. After I had gotten pregnant. She was the first one I told. She had suggested I take a test. Backstabber. This went on for a couple years. I constantly felt like I was in competition with her. Fighting for his attention. But I wasn’t really fighting. I just get that I had to. She would cry and make him feel bad. It would just make me angry.
Anyway. Let’s get back to the present. He is trying to cut back on drinking. As in not doing it anymore because he thinks he’s an alcoholic. Which, yeah, I suppose he could be labeled that. But it seems harsh. He doesn’t want to turn out like his father, so he doesn’t want to be seen as an alcoholic. Not by his daughter, his mom, me, or even himself.
He gets blackout drunk. And it’s scary. Not in a sense that I’m frightened he will hurt me or someone else. More so in the sense that we can’t even tell he’s in a blackout because he seems normal. Until the next day, after we have had an argument, or really great sex, and he just lowers his head in shame when I try to talk to him about it and he has no recollection. At all.
My explanation on that has to do with the biggest reason why my best friend is no longer my best friend. Or his. Apparently he was drunk one night. Doesn’t remember talking to her or seeing her. But supposedly he did. I had no knowledge of this. He usually would tell me if he were going to see her just so I’m aware. Not that it happened often after we got more serious.
So he gets a text a few weeks ago. Maybe a bit longer. She’s pregnant. Now, if you remember what I said before about when I was pregnant and he was unhappy.. let me just tel you, he’s even less thrilled about this. He feels taken advantage of. He feels ashamed and awful that he wants nothing to do with this child. He has to play nice right now or he will be stuck paying child support for the next 18 years for a child conceived by someone intentionally feeding him more and more alcohol, knowing how he gets when he drinks too much. I only believe this because she has done it to me before. She wanted to fuck me too.
He’s crying, telling me while we lie in bed together. Tears roll down my face, but I don’t speak. Not until he’s finished. My breath is hoppy. I’m afraid if I let myself breathe normal, I’ll burst into sobs.
But, I love him. And I forgive him. Her, not so much. I wish her all the best, but not really. She wants to keep the baby because “it could be her only chance to have a baby.”
That made him even angrier.
So some time goes by and then I find out he has fucked someone else. This, he admitted, he did not do while drunk. He tried not to let it happen, but natural instinct took over. I am still angry at him for it. But at least he didn’t lie to me.
“At least he didn’t lie to me”. I sound like a beaten and battered woman. “At least he didn’t kill me.” This time.
For Christ’s sake. Is something wrong with me?
I know that exactly at this moment, if I had a friend, they would slap me and tell me to get with it. To leave him. But it’s not that easy. I am in love with him. And he truly is a wonderful man. I’ve seen the good, the bad, and the ugly.. and I still love him as much as I did in the beginning. 5 years ago. I knew he was mine. I knew he was meant for me. Just.. maybe not at that time.
I don’t know. Am I crazy? Am I stupid?
-sigh- I wouldn’t know. Because I have nobody to dissect this with and get helpful feedback to prove that I am, in fact, insane.