✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2019-05-15 03:08:24 (UTC)

All On My Shoulders

You know that feeling you get when you’re so angry you feel like you’re full of steaming hot air, and it has no way out?

That’s how I feel right now. I’m so angry right now I could scream.

So first of all to update my last post, I finally have a job, and this is my second week. I was extremely anxious about it at first, but I’m slowly getting in the the grooves..

I like doing back room stuff, but the register gives me so much anxiety, but I’m learning.

Okay, so I didn’t sleep good last night. I woke up early this morning, got ready for work, fed the dogs, and I went to work.

Today, they kept me up front at the register, which sucked so much, because of course there was so many returns, (which I wasn’t good at.) so many paying with cash, so many snags in the process.. having to call for help so much..

It was overwhelming, and made me so anxious..

There was a group of extremely rude, and condescending people. One woman who was extremely rude about having to wait for someone to help me.. I messed up a large transaction... I was wrong about a return date, and upset a woman.


Today just sucked, and drained me.. I was on my feet for 5 hours. And when Rylan came to get me, we went to Walmart, and bought groceries.

I went home, cooked dinner, fed the dogs, and finally sat down.

At that point I had an hour until I had to take a shower, and go to bed, so I can get up at 6 in the morning, get ready for work, get there by 7, unload a truck, and work for 8 hours, and then work another 8 hours the next day.

So, E comes up to me while I’m eating, and asks me if I’ll “help” him comb the fleas off of Ruger, one of our dogs.

First of all, it doesn’t take two people to comb fleas off of one, small dog. He didn’t want me to help, he wanted me to do it for him. (There’s not really a way for two people to do it.)

Second, it takes FOREVER to comb fleas off him. Plus he stinks, and at that point, you might as well just bathe him because he makes your hands feel, and smell bad, and that also takes forever.

Third, R was sitting right there. He has nothing to do until Friday. He’s out of college for summer, and he’s keeping his part time work schedule so he only works on the weekends.

Fourth, E or R never helps me bathe Ruger, or the other two. They’ve never given any of the dogs baths on their own. I figured out how to do it all on my own.

Fifth, I was tired, and I was still upset over everything that went badly today. I was pissed off that he just didn’t want to do it, but wanted it to be done.

So I told him no, and so he starts demanding an answer. I tell him I’m tired.
He starts going off on me, and insulting me, saying I can’t be tired be because my job isn’t hard.

Want to know what E did today? He took me to work, and he “went to school” (an alternative school because he still hasn’t graduated that starts later in the day.) You know why he “went to school today”? Because my cousins husband came over, and started doing yard work for my grandma, and he didn’t want to help so he used that to get out of it. He hasn’t been going regularly in nearly 3 weeks.

So I really hate that I didn’t defend myself any better, but that’s just what happens when I’m upset..

What I did manage to say was, that from now on, if he notices something needs to be done, to do it himself.

And that’s when grandma jumps in to defend him. She didn’t even know what happened, or what he said, she just got a snippet of what happened, and got mad at me and told me off.

So she treated me like shit for the rest of the evening.

And then later, when I went to take the dogs outside, she said:

“E didn’t mean anything by what he said, he just wanted your help.”
She didn’t even know what he fucking said.
I looked at her and told her he wanted me to do it for him, not help.

And so of course she goes on about how she’s just going to get rid of the dogs since no one will take care of them.

What pisses me off the most about this, is that they just expect me to do everything. Everything falls on my shoulders to do, and it’s my fault if it doesn’t get done.

I’m one of four people in this house. I have limited time now. R and E are home all the time, but yet do nothing, and if they do manage to do something, I always have to either help, or do it for them.

Yesterday E decided to throw the towels in the wash to score brownie points, and then him and grandma just expected me to keep track on them, dry them and fold them. It just suddenly became my thing to do, even though I didn’t even start it.

Another thing that pisses me off, is that when E does shit like this, grandma sings so much praise and makes sure everyone knows that he “helped” her that day, and isn’t it wonderful how much he cares?

And the thing is, E has always been the golden child, but has always treated her and my grandpa like absolute garbage. He steals from her constantly, bums money, drives and rags out her car that used to be her main car all the time, and has rarely ever done anything in the cleaning department. He argues with her all the time, makes her cry.. he just made her cry and upset her on Mother’s Day over the weekend.

And all of this happened in front of Rhonda.. and I’m sure by now she thinks I’m a bad person underneath everything.

I’m so angry.

And the thing is, the dog didn’t even get combed. E just didn’t do it because he never intended on doing it in the first place, and he never will.

It’ll only get done, if I do it.

Sincerely,
Full of Hot air




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