The Real Me
2019-05-10 00:01:14 (UTC)

1 year later

My life has drastically changed in 1 year...but when has it ever not changed? I am better.

I am doing a masters now, I plan on....maybe becoming a doctor, but then again I'm always planning on becoming things impulsively. I got diagnosed by one psychiatrist as having BPD, I don't know if I have it, I think i might have antisocial personality derived from trauma. Whatever I am ive been taking these antidepressants as I've felt....normal, like...stable for the last 7 months or so. As if I can think with the fog cleared but it also doesn't feel real, like it isn't the real me....then again who is. I'm also struggling with a lack of sex drive on the pills, i have no interest what so ever but then again i also worry that I'm just not into Mateo anymore, like...he's cool but that's about it. I like him, i care about him, i like the life we have but i don't feel the excitement, im not in love, but i dont think I have ever actually felt love or ever will for anyone. I guess what im trying to say is that i dont think i experience love in the way other people do. I lack it, i can care and empathize and so on but i don't feel that strong love, in the beginning, i feel excitement but it doesn't last. It's the highs and lows that I am used to., i dont beleive anything to be permanenet and maybe thats what makes me lack in the idea of "love". My "love" just isnt real, it fades the way my personality fades.

Can you believe, that I am nearly 30? A 30-year-old woman and it's ironic because I still feel and look 21. Maybe because my life was at a stand still and I was stuck in the trauma of my past. I don't feel tied down by that anymore... I am genuinely in a better place overall with life, dont get me wrong it has its ups and downs...but i am still here.