nerd™

the anger games
2019-05-09 00:38:36 (UTC)

day 808, make it stop

I can't. I can't do it. I don't want to do it. I don't want to study I don't want a degree I don't want a job I don't want friends it's all a waste just like me
I just want to sleep. and never wake up. I want to get rid of this life and rid the world of my existence.
why does everything require twice the amount of time and effort from me than from everyone else? I'm so tired of giving my all only to stay afloat
why do I have to TRY to be a normal person why can't I talk to people or go out alone or keep a simple conversation or cross a fuckin street or raise my voice or say what I really want instead of lying to please people or remember anything 2 hours after it happens or ask a simple favor from anyone or even buy a bag of chips without panicking or take a picture without cringing at the way I look or talk without stuttering
why do I have to be scared of being alive
why did god decide that of all the people in the world, he had to take away the one person that made me feel safe
I sound like a whinny brat and it's because I am. all I do is whine about the same things but never do anything about it. all my diary entries are the exact same because I can never remember what I wrote yesterday. I write about wanting to die in hopes that by speaking it into existence it will magically happen because I'm a coward who can't bear to do it myself. I've spent the past 10 years of my life wallowing in self pity and anger until they became a part of me
but maybe 10 years is enough
maybe I'm living a life that's not mine maybe not everyone is meant to be successful maybe life isn't for everyone
God, I know you're listening. please make my heart stop hurting or just... make it stop.




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