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Scream Above the Sounds
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Ezoic
2019-05-07 03:10:24 (UTC)

I Love Life, But Life Has a Boyfriend

Despite my negative and cynical ways, I do believe that we have a purpose and we should always fight for our dreams and what we believe in. It isn't always easy and my willpower isn't the strongest but I feel very blessed to be in this world. I just know I don't deserve to be here. I often think about my fathers side of the family, I'm not very close with them but they are very arrogant, pompous and just straight up dicks. We used to go to my grandmother's house every Sunday for dinner, before she passed away. That was the only time that I would really see them, thankfully. I can remember one day that my Uncle Alan asked my sister what she wanted to be, or what she was hoping to study. She mentioned history and he just laughed in her face. He told her it was a 'waste of time' and to pursue something 'real'. I find it so ignorant and pathetic that just because he has no interest in something, it MUST be a waste of time. All of my dad's siblings are the same, they are just really cruel, malicious and for lack of a better word, they are just assholes. However, I feel like they often ask about me and my sister. I feel like me and my sister would probably admit to being the 'failures' in the family. Some of our cousins have gone off to university, some have had families etc. I'm currently 28 years old, back in college and living with my parents. My sister has her own place, unsure what her job is, does a lot of photography on the side and then just does drugs with her boyfriend.


I feel like my sister could have been so much more. I feel like we both could have. I've never been super close with my sister but she fell off a few years ago. She was at University in Bristol, she had a lot going for her. She dropped out in her final year, I don't remember why. She ended up moving back here and then she started getting involved with the wrong crowd, doing drugs, just really bad behaviour. She's a good person but definitely troubled. She's the only one in the family who understands my depression but knows never to really press it. The only time me and my sister are ever really close or talking regularly is at family events, purely because we aren't really that close with anybody. She does a lot of photography now, I think her Instagram is getting quite big. I hope she will manage to break free of this drug habit, whilst I understand we all have our vices, tools and ways of escaping anguish and torment, it's not going to end well for her. I've never done drugs, never even engaged or thought about it. There is nothing that is going to numb the pain for me or make me feel like I'm doing okay or even potentially give me feelings of joy and happiness. If I was ever to engage in drugs, it would be a one time thing and I would have no intention of surviving it.


My drug was always the internet and video games. That was the escape for me, I didn't have to leave my bedroom. I was safe. I managed to create a social circle and forget about the hell that I lived in. Sometimes, going to school knowing I would get beaten up, just to come home and play some World of Warcraft. It kinda made my teenage years bearable. I used to drink a lot of alcohol, especially last year. When I turned 18, I used to hit the clubs every week. Wednesday was our night, it was the student night here and the doubles were £1.50, it was great. I didn't become dependant on drinking but I liked how it made me feel; it gave me confidence and made me feel more likeable/appealing. I didn't really have any experience with women, yet I would often find myself pulling girls regularly in this club. That club dominated my life from 18-23, I met my ex when I was 19 but I still used to go there regularly, usually without her. We didn't mix well together, whenever we went out together, it would often end in a drunk argument. She was really bad with alcohol.


I drank a lot last year. When I had the text messages from my ex about us breaking up and me moving back home. I can remember coming back to the flat and taking a full bottle of Disaronno and just drinking myself silly. I remember sleeping on the floor in my computer room. I remember her holding me, as we both cried in the hallway, admitting to ourselves and knowing full well that our relationship was definitively over. I moved back home, I kept drinking. I was still working for the same company, I still had money coming in. I was going out almost every week again, not even seeking the affections of girls or trying to get some confidence. I was trying to forget. At this point, I didn't know what was worse, the pain or the hangover. It's the most pain I've ever been through and there was some self-inflicted pain along the way. I genuinely thought I would die last year. I was scared, afraid, lost and broken.


I don't believe in fate or destiny or anything else like that. There aren't many things I believe in. Maybe some things aren't for us to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us. Chase your dreams, stay hungry, stay passionate. If you know what you're worth, go out and get what you're worth.


I hope I can.


Edd


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