Lonely

My trainwreck of a life
2019-05-06 07:03:30 (UTC)

Hi, it was a while ago now. ..

Hi, it was a while ago now. Last time I left you on a sad note but at least this one is better than the last. Lets just get right into my problem today which is what Im here to talk about.

In school we're about 75 students that are split up in 3 groups or classes. So, recently me and my best friend had about our 20th outfall and Im really trying to stay away. We have been best friends for 4 years but have had many outfalls. It's always been because I can't take it anymore. For me friendships go one of two ways ; either we are best friends or were are acquaintances, it is very hard for me to have anything in between because either I tell you nothing or everything. Often I think I mistake <friendship for being best friends seeing as I love sharing but almost never get anything back.

So however, this girl can be very manipulative and I am almost always too trusting and if I consider you a best friend I can't imagine someone lying or withholding truth from me. it's not like a casual thought or a though at all even if people warn me multiple times. She will lie about having to babysit her 10 YEAR OLD sister if her parents are away, which they seem to be an awful lot. She lies about things that are unnecessary and don't have to be lied about, I get taken advantage of and I am never her first priority. I never seem to be a priority for anyone, just an option. Even this girl, I was there for her ALL THE TIME and thought that she was going to kill herself MULTIPLE times! I have always given her solutions, suggestions and advice for how to help her through rough times but never, even once did she take it. It bothers me that she now acts like a victim when I have done everything for her.

I can pretty much not cry in front of anyone. Not anyone in my family, no therapists only the closest possible friend I have at the time. She on the other hand will cry anywhere, at any time and not only because she feels bad but because she knows she can manipulate people. So now in my new class I have no one. Everybody has their little group and I don't fit in anywhere. Sure, they probably put her with me since they though we were friends, but no, thats not the case.

I always seem to do too much for people. When someone has a birthday I won't buy them the most expensive thing but something that might mean something to them. For example for her I made a jar filled with 100 notes of reasons I love her and quotes that might help her when she isn't feeling well. I even took time to do this in class, at school. And for my other ex best friend I bought a book where I filled out 100 things I love about her and I didn't even get a simple "thank you".

So, now I'm in this class and I don't really want to ask to switch mostly because I always tend to get into drama and I have once before switched class because me and this girl had beef and we couldn't be together. But now thats worked through, but its different with this girl since we have history and with her I cant be in some in-between state. I am going to speak with my school psychologist in a week and I though I would update her on how bad its been and I know she would help me switch classes. I just don't want the teachers to think differently of me but luckily my mentor is going to quit after summer so hopefully I have a fresh start with the new one I get. even though I have a solution it stresses me TF out and also that I am writing this during class. And many other things stresses me out too like I know my grades are going to be shit this year and next semester I have to be on top of everything if I want good grades to get inte the school I want to go to. And I have spent SO MUCH money lately, my new friends in NY will 100% drink and smoke which Im not sure if I want to do just yet and all of them are 2 years older than me and I am going to be spending 2 weeks with them. And on top of that even if I would, what if I get caught? This is just a few of the things I am stressing about and I just always think to much in the future and it stresses me out that I do that, so yea. I guess thats is for now.




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