Scream Above the Sounds
When You Go, I'll Let You Be. But You're Killing Everything In Me
This entry name is inspired by one of my favourite songs by Jimmy Eat World, it's called Polaris. I'll leave a link at the bottom of the entry.
I've had a pretty shit weekend. My body clock has been the worst it's arguably ever been (which is quite a stretch for me). I've been waking up at midnight, it's just been crazy. I feel like I'm wasting my days, which I think is quite funny for me to say, considering I dedicated pretty much almost 15 years to an MMORPG. What is 'wasted time'? I suppose time you enjoy wasting is never wasted. I feel really sad tonight, probably because I've been listening to a lot of depressing music. Most of it reminds me of my ex, which gives me mixed feelings I guess. I had been thinking about last year a lot, how depressed I was. I'm amazed that I managed to come out the other side. I think back to all those nights that I cried myself to sleep in that tiny spare bedroom. That was honestly rockbottom. I never want to feel like that ever again.
I don't really know where I'm going anymore. I feel like I'm going to wind up in similar positions to my friends. Graduate and then fall into a job that is so far from where you want to be. I try so hard not to be cynical these days but it's just me, I'm built that way and it's not a switch that I can just turn off. I feel like I was doing good for a long time, I mean I must have been because I only tended to write here in times of comfort or sadness. When I'm busy or just neutral, it's more difficult to write. It's always easier to deconstruct your life and talk down about yourself and what a waster/piece of shit you are, at least in my case. A bit odd but I was thinking about my parents the other day, what I would do after they passed away. I don't really know, I guess deep down I always thought or maybe 'hoped' is a better word, that I would die before them. I'm not even very close with my parents but they have done a lot for me, and even though we don't have a close relationship, they raised me right. I owe them everything.
I wish I made something more of myself, I think another reason I'm feeling pretty emo is because I thought about turning 29 next year and realising that I'm just worthless. I've literally done nothing. I know it's never too late to make something of yourself and I am trying. I just find myself wrestling with these demons and I've kept them away for so long that at this point, they've just kicked the door in. They always catch up. Maybe I would feel a little better if I had a more regular sleeping pattern. I don't know, it's amazing how much music can impact your life and then suddenly you're here, writing in your diary and recounting depressing times and how sad you think your life is.
I need to get out of the house more. My life is just so pathetic. I have hardly any friends and when I'm not in college, I just sit on my computer until I decide to go to sleep. I think I'm going to get out of the house now and go for a run or something. I just find myself sighing, putting my head in my hands and just feeling mentally exhausted. I dread to think where I'll be in five years time. I hope future Edd has his shit together.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rH5v99Ovp4&fbclid=IwAR1MnZZ9E2QFNUofHJHZT352deSmGie6AiV6yT02owd-HYOaU0JlOCLEX3M Jimmy Eat World - Polaris
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