Scream Above the Sounds
2019-04-26 20:56:48 (UTC)

Sweet Mistakes

When I think back to my teenage years, a lot of stuff still haunts me. It's not so much negative stuff, I mean the outcome of it is negative but I would make the same sweet mistakes over again, given the opportunity. I played WoW from 2005 onwards and more or less fucked up my education, hence why I'm back at college now trying to make something of my life before it's too late. That being said, the things I learned and the people I met along the way, the memories that were created; that stuff is invaluable to me. I could never have achieved that kind of happiness from anything else. I think that is ultimately what drove my ex girlfriend away. I sunk a lot of time into video games and online commitments. Whether it was raiding in WoW or playing leagues/cups in Counter-Strike, it was a priority to me. Not because I wanted it to be, but because I needed it. It was my escape from reality. I understood it was wrong but at the same time, I couldn't pull myself from it. It was a drug, and to some extent now, it still is.

I saw a funny meme about how WoW Classic is coming out and it's an opportunity to 'fuck my 30's up' just like my teen years, and it's so true. I don't think I'll play it nearly to the extent I did as a teenager but I'm pretty excited to play it again and take a big massive hit of nostalgia. Same with Warcraft III Remastered in December. I don't expect people to ever understand. I'm a big geek, though I may not look it in my picture and perhaps sometimes with the way I write, I may ooze with confidence but I'm just a broken shell of a man. I have little to no friends, no prospects (as it stands) and my future is non existent. I'm not very close with my family and the people I am connected to the most don't live in the same area as me. That's why video gaming has always had such an impact on me. It's the bridge. This is what connects me and my friends and it's how we spend our time together. Yours may be going down the pub on a Friday night, and that's cool, but this is mine.

I don't know what I would be without them, it sounds dramatic but honestly, I think the answer may be 'dead'. This isn't a whole 'video games saved my life' kinda thing. I guess it's just hard to make people understand that the internet can be a whole different world and you can forge bonds and friendships that last a lifetime. It doesn't even have to be video game related, it could be a chat room, a forum, a diary, anything. People DO give a shit about you. Even if they aren't the people you pander to and beg attention from. I read that we often crave attention from people we'll never get it from and the people who give us constant attention are underappreciated. I don't really know where I'm going with this. I just type words, they make sentences and we go from there.

I regret some of my life choices and I think if I could disconnect myself and change things about myself, I absolutely would. I just think I've been this way for too long to become anything else. I'm trying to focus on becoming a better person and hopefully, if all goes to plan I can become a journalist. That lust and desire to play video games and be competitive won't ever dim though. My parents never liked how much time I spent on the computer until I was diagnosed with depression. Only then they understood that this was doing more good than harm to me, in terms of my mental health. I want to make them proud and hopefully I will. It won't be long until I do my exams and then hopefully I can start Humanities in September and really get the ball rolling. I've been a waste of space for so long and I can't continue to be that guy.


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