LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2019-04-24 23:54:47 (UTC)

panic attack broooo


April 24, 2019 Wednesday 11:54 PM

I'm too out of it to be very coherent, but the short of it is:
I turned 20 yesterday and that was okay and people were nice. The video team surprised me with brownies and my friends surprised me with an ice cream cake and an annotated anthology of 19th century Russian literature, which was nice.
Yesterday was less nice, as I had a panic attack in my literature teacher's office and I haven't had one of those in a while. I was sort of amazed, at the old-but-familiar feeling of a body leaving your control—the way my lungs inflated and deflated with, like, inert air. And how I'd try to bolster it but breathing more deeply, but I had no control over the tempo so it ended up making it worse and now, something like 8 hours later, my back still hurts from whatever overextension of the diaphragm occurred in that moment.
And also, I felt as my hands and head started to tingle and feel very light and I made noises out of my control and it felt like my breath was running over broken pavement and the whole thing was just a small trashfire.

I felt bad for my teacher. I don't know what caused it! I think it was just an extended build up of anxiety. My teacher is under the impression it was caused by my workshop piece. I feel that is partially true, but not fully. She kept calling me precocious, precocious, precocious. It was nice. I wanted her to stop because it made me cry more because it felt so good for someone to say something like that to me. I never think that kind of thing about myself. And I feel like if I go too long without someone being directly very nice, I become very used to the fact that I am generally incapable of all things.

I feel really bad that this happened and afterwards I had a killer headache. And I was extremely nauseated. I had to lie down and do nothing and drink water and eat for a few hours afterwards. And the eating was weird, because I wasn't hungry or even craving any food at all, but I wanted it anyways. I have a weird and bad relationship with food, but that's a topic for another day.

In other news, last night I chatted with Isaac for the first time in several months! It was nice. It was... disappointing. But I felt so relieved, because I feel like I've been waiting to talk to him this whole time so he could remind me of who he is, and I felt validated in the fact that I was right: he's the same old Isaac except just slightly warped, and I'm the same Veronica except with shorter hair, and we don't have to be around each other anymore if we don't want to. Life is nice that way.


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