JustAGirl

The break up
2019-04-22 19:58:39 (UTC)

Thinking and healing

I think about you a lot. But not as often as i did before. Sometimes the thoughts are so painful it feels like someone is sucking the air out of me. But i guess thats part of healing.
today i had that feelings when a thought crossed my mind, how could i love you so much and you not feel the same thing for me. Why do i feel so tied up in you and yet you've moved on not worried about the devestation you've caused. How could i have been so wrong?

i look back at the signs i ignored. The lies i believed and i wonder how could you do it to me. But then i think its my fault. You showed me exactly who you were. And yet i kept making excuses for it. Every situation i needed you in, you broke up with me. And i am seriously laughing thinking how ridiculous it is. When my grandfather died you broke up with me. A year later when my grand mother and my best friend died you did the same. And still i called it love?

How?!??! How could i justify it. How do you love someone and break up with them when they need you. And come back as if it never happened. And how did i allow it?! your supposed to be a fucking man, your supposed to protect me and love me. And comfort me. And still i gave you a fucking pass. i cant wrap my head around it.

When i was younger i was sexually assulted by my best friends brother (who also happens to be close with my family) for years. I was 10 he was 17. I never told anyone. One day i got a message from him saying it was her birthday. I knew i had to go, because my family was going to be there. And honestly i didnt want to answer questions on why i hadnt gone. I told you this, told you how uncomfortable i felt, showed you things he even wrote during the conversation that made me physically sick. I asked you to come, and you know what you told me. " I dont do parties" which was a lie.. and yet still somehow i loved you. I would have went to fucking war for you, and yet you would have thrown me to the dogs if it ment saving yourself.

Today i kept thinking about random thoughts and trying to understand what i saw in you, why was i so willing to keep forgiving some of the most unforgivable. I thought about so much today.
I gave you so many parts of me. all to make you happy regardless of what it did to me.

What was i thinking ill never understand. I'm so scared to get close to anyone because i never want to be that stupid . I wish i could unmeet you, wish i could go back to who i was before i met you. I wish for so many things but most of all i wish i knew why i cant get over you.




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