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Halloween (10/31/2018: Dia de los muertos)
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TV Show Episode Scripts > That '70s Show > Season 2 > Halloween
That '70s Show s02e05 Episode Script
A UNICEF contribution of thirteen cents will feed a child for a month.
Man, living in Africa must be great! Everythings so cheap.
If you ask me, man, UNICEFs a scam.
If we ask you, everythings a scam.
Everything is a scam.
Oh, lighten up.
Remember how much fun Halloween used to be? Making costumes, Trick-or-Treating What is Trick-or-Treating? Well, you put on a costume, you go door to door and say, trick-or-treat! And people give you candy.
Oh, you got to be kidding me! They just give you candy? The best part of Halloween is getting the crap scared out of you.
One year, I saw The Legend of Sleepy Hollow; I couldnt sleep for, like, a month! They give you candy? Just like that, no strings? Yes, Fez, get over it! Hey, you guys, you know what? My church is doing a haunted house.
I really dont think anyones gonna be scared by a bunch of Episcopalians.
Unless they have chainsaws! Lets go see The Texas Chainsaw Massacre! Michael, I told you! I dont like Texans! I know! Uh, we can go to Old Maine.
Our old grammar school? Yeah, sure, you know, a dark, burnt out, boarded up school, very creepy? We could, you know, we could tell ghost stories.
Free candy? Even if youre not from this country? Yes! Hey, whyd they burn down the school, anyway? Oh, they said it was arson.
What? I was out of town that week.
So youre telling me that if I showed up at someones house and say trick-or-treat, theyll give me a free piece of candy? YES! Oh, I dont believe you.
Trick-or-treat! An apple? Wheres my candy, you son of a bitch? Oh, shes very good.
I like her.
I hope she lives.
Why doesnt anyone just shoot him? I mean its Texas; everyone has a gun.
This movies so lame.
Man, she deserved it.
She had sex.
And like all movie sluts before her, she must die.
No! She was about to take her shirt off! Trick-or-treat! Ok, here you go.
Mmm! Raisins! Eeew! No, raisins are good for you! Raisins are natures candy! And eggs are natures hand grenade.
Kitty, dont give em raisins! It just pisses em off! Jeez.
I hate Halloween! Well, you used to love Halloween! Remember that party we had when we first moved in here? Oh.
I see that you let yourself in again! Boy! Thats an awful lot of food! I cant imagine that you have that many friends, Kitty.
Well, speaking of friends, how are your four cats? Hey, Frank, uh, pull my finger! No way.
You were killing me in the car, man! Oh, good, youre home! Hey, Kitty! I like your outfit.
Youre a kitty! Yes, I am, Frank.
And what are you? Bum.
Im a bum! And I knew that! Red, honey, um I-I could, I could use some help here.
Uh, gee, Kitty, Id really like to help you out, but, uh, we gotta take these out to the garage and get plowed! He is such a good boy! Hello? Oh, hi, Dr.
Really? Oh my god! Oh! Thank you! Thank you, doctor! Yeah, thank you! Wrong number.
No! Youre pregnant! Yes, I am.
Do you know who the father is? You know what I hear is nice? Florida! Look at this dump! No wonder Hyde tried to burn it down! You know, Fez, a man died in that fire.
A gym teacher.
Some say his specter still roams the halls to this day.
Take a laaaaap! Give me twenty, walk it oooooff! All right, guys, lets just cut it out, ok? Youre scaring the women! OUT OF MY WAY!! Kelso, it was the window! Yeah! I know that.
Out of my way? No, I didnt say that! Yes you did, right before you knocked her over.
No! I, I was protecting you! Protecting me? Yeah! I was trying to draw the ghost away from you.
Ghosts are attracted to movement, and thats a scientific fact! You know what, I dont care! You are an idiot and science is stupid! Donna, lets go.
Gee, wonder what were gonna talk about.
Youre dooooomed! God, I cant believe Michael pushed me out of the way like that! Me neither! I figured hed use you as a human shield! Donna, the most noble thing a man can do is lay down his life for the woman he loves.
Ideally, while shes still young and can remarry! Do you know who protected me there? Fez.
Well, he had to; hes Batman.
And the man said, "Here's your daughter's sweater.
She left it in mycar, last night.
" And the woman said, "Why, that's impossible.
My daughter died ten years ago.
" So? So, she was dead.
And he gave her a ride.
And she was dead! When I was six, the mayor of our town was hung from a tree.
Your story was not scary.
Not scary? The ghost of a dead girl gave him her sweater! What does a ghost need with a sweater, man? Maybe its to keep her guts from falling out.
You can tell it was not scary because Michael-ina here did not run screaming for the door! Hey.
Wheres it written that a guy has to protect his girl? Huh? And Ill have you now that the feminine form of my name is Michelle.
I dont wanna come out in favor of saving Jackie, but thats the price you pay for docking your love boat in Jackie-vyarta.
So, Icabod Crane lived in the village of Sleepy Hollow.
Wait, dont tell me.
He left his jacket somewhere! Ok, thats it.
Theres just, theres nothing that scares us anymore.
We found something scary.
Yeah, it was in the principals office.
Oh my god, those look like like They are.
Our permanent records.
Our permanent records! Oh, you know what? They probably left these here after the school burned down.
Hey! Pinciotti, Donna.
Well! Looks like someone we know had a real hard time keeping her clothes on in kindergarten! What? That was just a stupid phase.
Sure glad thats over.
I fear that despite Stevens high IQ, hes a born trouble maker and is destined to be the smartest man! In his cellblock! What? They couldnt have known that in second grade.
Steven willfully and maliciously destroyed Christine DelBuenos shoebox diorama of the four food groups.
Youre a monster.
A horrible, horrible monster.
Yeah, real funny, but I didnt do it.
You know whats really funny, Hyde? What, Forman? Heh heh.
I broke the diorama.
You? Hers was better than mine.
I had to smash it.
I left out dairy.
You know, thats when everybody turned against me.
They pegged me as a bad kid.
And once that happens, youre labeled forever.
You ruined my life, Forman! No, he didnt! Hyde, no offense, but with an alcoholic mom and an absent dad, you were bound to end up in jail sooner or later.
Hyde, I said no offense.
Yeah, right, lets see what that file says about you, Jackie.
Go ahead, I have a perfect record.
Would anybody like to know what Jackies middle name is? - Jackies middle name is - No! Oh, I hate you! Its Buela! Trick-or-treat! Oh, you look so cute in your little costumes! Damn, Frank, thats funny! Look, he lost his candy! Oh, that was not funny, Red.
Those were just little kids.
Well, thats what makes it funny! Well, think about it, honey, would it be funny if it were your own kids? But I dont have kids.
Well, you might! What are you saying? Im saying Im pregnant! Oh, no! No! I mean, uh oh, crap.
All right, nobody move! Somebody took my last box of Sugar Babies! Oh, no, wait! I was sitting on them! Gee, Fez.
You didnt give Forman a chance to pin it on me.
I didnt pin anything on you! No? Well, when Mrs.
Hodgekis was yelling at me in front of the whole class, you didnt exactly step up and take responsibility.
What were you thinking? Hm, I guess I was thinking, Im seven! Hey, hey, hey! Lets not fight, all right! Its Halloween, man! Its time for peace on earth and good will towards men! Lets read another file.
Yeah, cause thats working out great so far.
All right, fine! Ill read from my own, okay? Oh, okay.
Heres a secret you guys dont know about me cause it happened the year before I moved here.
When I was in first grade I used to wear this red cape to school and pretend I was Superman.
Mustve looked really stupid.
Wait, w-wait, first grade? Yeah.
No, no, no, when you moved here you and I were in first grade, thats how we met.
No, we didnt.
Man, you had to repeat first grade? Oh my god! Michael, say its not true! It was, it was cursive writing, all right? All those stupid squiggles and bumps! I wouldnt do it! You mean you couldnt do it.
No, I wouldnt do it, and thats why they held me back! Plus, I mightve killed the class bunny.
WHY?? Its ok, Kelso, let it out.
It sucked, you know.
Living this lie, pretending to be a year younger than I really am.
Wait a minute.
Youre eighteen? Yeah.
I mean, thats why Ive always seemed more mature than you guys.
Are you telling me that all this time you couldve been buying us beer? You bastard! What-no! No, its not what you think! Youre dead to me.
But Eric ruined your life! And if I had a beer, I could be getting over it right now.
Beer! Beer! All right! All right! Everybody just leave him alone! Ok? Because he may be a liar, but at least hes not a back stabber like Eric.
Stay outta this, Buela.
Oh, dont call me that.
Oh, sorry! Buela.
Fine! You know what? Donna kissed Hyde last year.
What? Dont mess with me! Thats thats a lie, Hyde kissed me.
Well, that is just so much better! How could, how could you do this, man? Guess Im just a born trouble maker.
Or maybe you turned me into one.
You are so dead, Buela! Hey, hey! Leave her alone, all right? Ok, yeah.
Jackie told me Fez was a better kisser than you, Kelso.
Ah! Were you ever gonna tell me about Hyde? Hurts when your friends stab you in the back, dont it? How would I know? I have no friends! Lets go, pal! STOP IT!! Cant you see what is happening? Those permanent records are tearing us apart.
Look what weve become.
Were like animals.
Those files are evil, man.
Weve gotta destroy them.
But how, Jackie? How? Oh my god, now my Sugar Babies really are gone! Kitty, Im really sorry about what I said.
You mean, oh no and crap? Right, thats it.
Im sorry, its just it was a big shock, you know? It was a really big shock for me, too and I said, Oh, good! And yay! No, I I feel like that, too its just that I well, I I needed a minute for it to sink in.
But once it sunk in I realized I was really happy.
You really mean that? Of course I do.
Its gonna be great! I cant wait to be a father! Hey, Red! Great news! I found a way to drink beer faster! Come on! Go home, Frank.
Im busy! Ok! Yeah! Oh, wow.
I think youre maturing! Well, you know, the truth is, Franks getting on my nerves a little bit.
I mean, hes kinda hes kinda, hes an ass.
And hes dumb.
Hes a dumbass! Hey.
And then you gave birth to a beautiful daughter! And then Eric.
Who is just wonderful! And Ive grown up a lot since then! Oh, youre dead, kid! Michael, Im cold.
And this is stupid! We should just burn the files.
Jackie, theyve already been in a fire.
They cant be destroyed that way.
See you in Hell, permanent records.
And we have to swear well never speak of this ever again.
Except the part about Kelso buying us beer.
But otherwise its like this night never happened, ok? Ok.
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