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You're My Best Friend (3/19/2019: Cougar episode)
I still can't believe our little Hyde went off and married a Las Vegas stripper.
Now we have to get him a present.
What says "Congratulations on your wedding and I want to nail your wife"? Oooooooh, we should get him one of those big electric knives! Those suckers will cut right through your hand.
Can I help you? Leo, it's me Randy.
I got hired last week.
We drove in together.
Oh yeah, Frankie! Randy! No, it's Leo.
This is Randy.
Randy, this is my wife Samantha.
Wife?! I didn't know you were married.
Yep, they said it wouldn't last, but we're going on six days now.
Hey, we've got to throw you a killer bachelor party! No! Absolutely not.
If I want to spend money on a stripper, I'll take Samantha shopping.
Hey, I hope you guys are comfortable getting turned on in front of each other.
Yeah, okay I don't mind I guess Great! 'Cause we are throwing Hyde a bachelor party! Bachelor party? That is awesome! Okay, the first guy that throws up has to pay for everything! Nooo, wait.
That's always me.
The second guy ah, that's me too.
Awesome! I'm paying.
Fez you find a place, Kelso you buy the beer, and Leo you are in charge of the adult entertainment.
But I haven't stripped since I was at Chippendales! You were not at Chippendales.
I stripped in Bloomingdale's.
I used to be really kinda out of it.
Bad news Kelso, we can't have the bachelor party at our place.
Our landlord said, "he'll evict us" if we have anymore crazy parties.
How was I supposed to know that racoon had rabies? Why don't we have the party here? Hey, that's not a bad idea.
I just have one question.
Who the hell are you? I'm Randy.
I work at Hyde's record store.
Go to college part-time.
If you name a city, I can tell you the time zone.
Kelso, you'll be in charge of getting rid of the Forman's.
That'll be easy.
Without starting a fire.
Why don't you just handcuff me and throw me in a well, Donna? Uhhh Mrs.
Forman is a woman, which means that she used to be a chick.
So therefore, I will just play on her insecurities.
Kelso, I really doubt you can pull that off.
Sure I can.
You-Never-Gonna-Lose-Those-Love-Handles I stand corrected.
Now, the best thing about a bachelor party is tricking the guy into thinking something bad is gonna happen.
And then taking them someplace great.
I thought the best thing was bringing women who normally hate you pretend to like you because you have a dollar.
What a wonderful tradition.
So what we need is a crazy way to get Hyde here without him expecting anything.
Wait a minute! I'm a cop.
Yeah! Me and Fez will be in the Elcamino with Hyde, you pull us over, arrest us and bring us to the party in a police car! No! I left my gun at the playground! Hey Donna! Sorry I'm late.
I didn't want to come over till all my other options for tonight fell trough.
Good to see you, too, Jackie.
I just figured since the guys are throwing a party for Hyde, that we should have our own girls' night.
Well, as long as it isn't a pity party.
Because I am completely over Steven.
God, I can't wait till we can sit around and trash that skanky stripper he married.
Donna, why does all the food in the kitchen have a "property of Bob" sticker on it? Oh, hi Jackie! I can't believe you invited the whore! Who are you calling a whore? Well, I see only one whore here Girls' night yeaaay.
Hi there Miss Kitty! Hi boys! Heyyy.
So, Saturday night.
You and that husband of yours got any big plans? Well, we sure do.
First he is taking me on the Loveboat and then he is taking me to Fantasy Island.
"Ze plane, ze plane!" I love that guy.
He is so little.
So you're staying home again.
Sounds to me like your marriage is dead.
What? Our marriage is fine.
Oh, puhleaze! Red's got you working harder then a hotdog salesman at a fat guy convention.
You know, when was the last time that Red took you out for a night on the town? Well a couple of weeks ago he took me to the movies and then when it was over he came back and he picked me up.
Forman, Red needs to take you out tonight.
On a real date, that lasts at least, what, three three-and-a-half hours? You know what? You're right.
Kitty! What's for supper? Well, that's up to the chef at Frenchies.
We're going out tonight and I'm getting the most expensive thing on the menu.
The six dollar steak?! Kitty, we're in a recession! Boy Red, that woman is testy.
Stay out of it, chubby.
I'm retaining water! Fez, I'm sick of driving you around just because your belly has got the rumblies! Hey, there is Kelso's cop car Let the party begin! What? Step on it, grandma! Ow.
What are you doing man? Get off my foot! This is unbelievable! Ah man, just what we needed, getting pulled over by a cop Yeah, this is gonna ruin the whole evening License and registration! Surprise Hyde! Who the hell is that? Get out of the car, sir.
Errrr Fez I know you said all us white people look the same, but that is not Kelso Oh, I know what is going on here! If Kelso pulls us over, then Hyde will be suspicious.
So he sent another cop to make the joke more realistic.
Oh Kelso you beautiful genius.
Nice job Fez, you just got me a ticket.
Ah, starting off slow with a ticket, huh.
Nice touch! I'll take that.
Fez, what are you doing?! Sir, give me back that ticket before you Before what? It starts to snow? Okay, that's it! What are you gonna do, piggie? Throw us in jail? He threw us in jail.
Fez, I don't know why you are smiling, but I promise you won't be, when I sell your ass for a pack of cigarettes! First of all, this ass is worth at least a carton.
And second of all; Welcome to your bachelor party! A bachelor party has beers, and topless ladies.
This place has iron bars and a bum wearing no pants sitting on my jacket That is not a cushion! Fez, I don't think this is part of the bachelor party.
They fingerprinted us! Oh, I don't know.
Maybe that's how the strippers know what to charge.
You know, at the end of the night, they count the fingerprints on their boobies and they know who owes what.
Dude! You are scarily optimistic! Something clearly got messed up! Trust me, this is all part of Kelso's plan.
I guarantee you he is on his way over here right now.
The thing about being a cop is we may look like normal people, I mean, I don't obviously, but we have to go through rigorous training to be able to withstand any kind of mental, physical, or emotional pain.
Ahhhhhhhh, brain freeze! Ohhh Make it stop! Make it stop! Donna, how could you invite the stripper here? This is supposed to be girls night, not girls, girls, girls night.
Samantha, you'll have to excuse Jackie.
She has a speech impediment that makes everything sound bitchy.
It's okay, Donna.
This isn't the first time I've had to deal with an angry ex-girlfriend or wife or mother.
One time it was some guy's boyfriend.
That was just weird.
So uhm tell me what are you gonna do with all your stripper money? Huh? Buy back your self-esteem? Ah, actually I bought a Trans-Am.
Oooh, a slut-car! Okay, stop! Jackie, you and Samantha are gonna have to learn to get along.
Mostly because I don't like being the cream filling in your oreo of bitchyness.
Oh! So, all of a sudden your happiness is more important than mine? You are so selfish! No.
It's just that unlike you, I don't think Samantha is the worst piece of trash that ever walked the Earth.
Ohhh! You traitor! Jackie! Come on! So what color is your Trans-Am? Powder blue.
That's freakin' awesome! See now, wasn't it great to get out for a change? We had a good meal, nice conversation and Look, we stayed out past nine! It's like New Year's Eve! How about that dopey waiter that flambeed his tie? Yeah, those French bastards you stick to what they're good at.
Baking bread and losing wars! Surprise! What the hell? Happy bachelor party, Steven! Who is this? That's my wife! Well she can watch, but that's extra.
I can't believe you guys got me thrown in jail.
It feels so fake, like I didn't earn it.
Guys, I'm starting to think this might not be part of the whole bachelor party plan.
Unless she is a stripper.
You know what? She might be Why don't you tell her to shake it? You know, it's so nice to finally have someone on my side! Hey baby, why don't you rip off that phony uniform and start shaking your moneymaker? Are you talking to me? That's right, momma! First of all, I'm not your momma.
And if you ever talk to me like that again, I will pull your skinny ass through these bars and find fifty new ways to use my night stick! I don't know if she's a stripper, but she sure knows how to turn a boy on Kelso! Where the hell have you been? There was an emergency at the ice cream stand.
They hired a new girl and she's super cute.
Yeah guys, so I'm loving spending my bachelor party in jail.
What are you guys gonna do for my birthday? Set me on fire, push me off a cliff? I'll take care of this.
Ahhh listen Sergeant, ahhh I think there was, like, a big misunderstanding.
You see I was supposed to arrest these guys, and trumped up charges, and then take 'em to a bachelor party in the police car and then we were gonna watch some strippers dance and get drunk.
But I was totally gonna be back by the end of my shift.
Isn't that hilarious? That lady has no sense of humour.
I want all of you people out of my house, now! Hey.
We're not going anywhere untill we get our money.
I got an unemployed husband to feed.
Leo, pay these women.
I don't have any money, man.
All I have is a ticket for the 1974 World's Fair.
One more year, I can't wait! Well I'm all out of money since big spender here had to get the salad bar.
Well, for heaven's sake Red.
I'll just write the girls a check and the boys can pay us back later.
It's a hundred dollars.
Well clearly I am in the wrong profession.
Does Jackie do this a lot? Just run off and lock herself in her room when she gets mad at you? Huh Not always.
Sometimes she just tell people I'm four months pregnant.
How can you be friends with her? Well See the thing about Jackie is see it's like uuuhhhmmm Okay look, here's the thing.
Jackie and I have been through a lot together.
And well she's my best friend.
Did you mean that, Donna? Am I really your best friend? Yeah, of course! Ha! Stuff that up your g-string and smoke it.
Well, you might have stolen my boyfriend, but you're not gonna steal Donna.
So get out, stripper! You get out! You get out times two! You get out times infinity! Ha, ha, you get out times ten.
You both made some really good points.
But now I think we should sit down, and talk like intelligent adults.
My Trans-Am is gonna be orange, with wings and wheels made of fire.
And when you slam on the brakes a parachute shoots out of the back with my picture on it and I'm flippin' you off! Oh! Donna, this party wa such a good idea.
You know what I love? Watching this airhead stripper wasting away her last remaining brain cells.
You know what I love? Your old boyfriend! Wait, I just realised something.
Ha, I think I hate you! That's so lucky! Because I hate you, too! But I'm gonna put up with you for Donna's sake.
'Cause she doesn't have very many friends! That's not true, Jackie.
I have a ton of friends.
There's Oh, there's that one girl who No! Listen, Hyde.
I'm sorry about this mess, man.
But you can't get married and not expect your buds to throw you a party.
I mean, your life is over.
We gotta celebrate! Yeah.
Where were you guys gonna take me anyway? The Forman's.
Where I live.
Yeah, I can see why you needed an elaborate plan to get me there.
All right, since officer Kelso was responsible for this, the rest of you are free to go.
It's not your fault your friend is a complete moron.
Well, that's true.
You can't choose your friends.
Don't worry, Kelso.
We're your buddies.
We're not gonna leave you.
I hope he gets out soon.
We only have those strippers for another half hour! I'll see you in hell! Let the "Fiesta of Flesh" begin! Oh, ay, no! How dare you invite strippers into my home? The whole place smells like strawberries and baby-oil.
You idiots tricked me and Kitty into going out and having a good time.
Do you know how furious that makes me? Sir, if I could just explain Who the hell are you? I'm Randy and I just want to say I'm sorry.
We tried to do something nice for our friend and things got really out of hand, but I apologise for any disrespect that we may have shown you.
Well, Randy I'm impressed that something so articulate could come out of such a dumb-ass! And you! You owe me a hundred dollars! Fine.
But you better put on one hell of a show.
Why is it all in one-dollar bills? 'Cause that's how you pay strippers.
I was in the war for God's sake! You guys are not gonna believe this.
I was fired! I'm off the force.
Man, if only I have said I didn't want a bachelor party maybe none of this would have happened! Oh well.
It was humiliating.
They took my badge and they took my gun, and then when I went to say goodbye to the police dog, I accidentally shot him.
There is only one thing that would cheer me up tonight.
A strip club? You freaky little mindreader! Let's go! I'll drive.
We'll take my cop car.
Wait! You didn't have to turn that in? They didn't even ask! All right, guys.
Sit back and enjoy the show.
Err Leo, when does the show start? This is the show, man.
Where's the stripper? What do we need a stripper for? We got a giant cake!
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