Jake 🇺🇸

Killing Lions
2019-04-18 15:35:23 (UTC)

Update

Lately I've been pretty jaded. Lacking happiness I suppose. But that doesn't mean I'm sad. I'm not sad. Things are moving along in my PhD program. But, I don't have the fire I had a few months back. Running/fitness is going well and I can't complain about literally anything. Last week I raced at nationals in Ohio. I ran the half marathon and finished with an acceptable time, the hilly course made it a lot harder than I expected. It was awesome to be able to run with so many other fast guys. Anyway...

I really do miss Alex. Today I opened my phone and aimlessly looked over the texts we sent each other, it seems like we had something really going and there honestly wasn't any red flags that I could think of. Every text I sent or she sent were all positive and happy. Then school hit and out of the blue she says: "I'm too busy to date". It's unfortunate. Alex gave me so, so much happiness and reason to live and learn. I could really look forward to... something. Now I'm back into Jake mode where I just work and train. That's literally my life. I'm missing the social and relational part of my life right now. My co-workers, my running friends, my bible study guys aren't filling that void. I need intimacy. I need something that doesn't feel fake. I have a great relationship with my roommate and I really do feel intimate with him (intimate as in really, really close). I also miss the intimate and loving relationship I had with my family. I want someone -- a lady(??) -- who I can love, who I can take to dinner, who I can be intentional to, who I can cook something fun up in the kitchen, or, somebody who I can plan events with. I think if anything, woman can give me purpose in my life. It gives my work meaning, it gives me something to strive to be. I've been slacking lately, my room is a mess, there's even dirty dishes in the kitchen, I haven't done my laundry in like a week. All these little things are bringing me down.

If I were to describe myself, I'd say I'm similar to a robot. I work and work and don't need anyone. But that simply isn't true. I can get along for a few weeks by myself but eventually I'll crash and I'll desire a relationship. I have needs. One of those needs is intimacy. Like... actual love.

Ariana sent me a post card from China. It was to me and it was full of love. She said she misses me and even added on a Chick-fil-a card to the letter as a way of saying "thank you". She's such a legend. I don't really miss her that much, but, gee, it felt amazing to get that card. Just to know that somebody actually cares about you. I'm quite sure she liked me, given all of the times she initiated a "hangout" or a "catch up" with only me. She would always hug me really, really tight at the end of all those meets. Then there were the letters she'd send me like every other week in her beautiful cursive writing. Her love really melted my heart. She left for China 2 months ago and I ever heard from her until unexpectedly I get her card in the mail a few days ago. It just made me think about her again... *sigh*

I don't think I was ever attracted to her. It's really, really unfortunate since she would have been such a great person for me. We basically had identical worldviews and could talk for hours about stuff we could relate to. Though, our lives were quite different in terms of education.

Anyway, I probably would have completely forgot about her -- just like any other average looking lady that my path crossed. But, given her persistence she keeps popping up into my head like somebody who is there, but you aren't sure why.

Maybe I should get back on the dating world? I don't know. But, I do know that I seriously need something right now. I'll continue to work, I'll continue to train




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