A Grown Man With... Daddy Issues?
This isn't what I wanted to use my online diary for, but here I am doing this anyway.
After my last breakup, I resolved to start seeing a therapist. I meet with my regular doctor in about a week and a half, at which time I'll request a referral to a therapist. I'm pretty sure that's what I'll need to do in order to have my health insurance cover things. But chief among my issues I want to discuss will be my anxiety and stress when it comes to relationships. My most recent ex articulated it well: long story short, I clam up when I begin to show some vulnerability and emotion.
That's not what I want to have happening in my life. The last lady I was with is pretty fantastic, and she shared a tremendous deal of herself and her life with me, especially so for it being so short a time. I'm not saying she was the right one for me, but she was exceptionally open.
I treated her poorly, for whatever reason. Was I too guarded? Was I too eager to please? Did I feel like what I had to say or what I was thinking was going to scare her away? I have a feeling that was it.
My previous ex (the lady I dated for about a year and a half, before this most recent woman) wasn't forthright with her thoughts and feelings for me. I suspect I "rebounded" with this most-recent woman, growing close with her in a short amount of time. We were physically intimate within a month of our first date. If I had felt anxious about that, I hadn't shared it, instead expressing that I wanted to "ride this wave" because she was such an interesting, caring, and beautiful person.
I hurt her feelings and consider myself having failed again.
I mention in the title "Daddy Issues" because in the past few weeks I've had dreams where my father has appeared. Meanwhile, he's been dead longer than half my life by now. But there he was. And he was being a dick, frankly speaking. In fact, I have very little positive to say about my dad, other than the fact that - like my mother - he did the best he could in being a parent. Was he any good at it? If I were a true critic of the role, I'd say no. He wasn't a good father to me. Emotionally distant, judgmental, and beyond financial support he wasn't so supportive or interested in things I wanted to pursue. I think he thought of me as a waste of time, honestly. I suspect it was my mother who urged him to support me in the ways that he did.
I wonder why he's appeared in my dreams. The things I describe above are things he exhibits in my dreams, only it's him as I remember him (prior to being affected with cancer), while I confront him and address his behaviour while I am an adult instead of being in my late teens. I talk down to him for his behaviours: I'd describe them as being like that of a bully, picking on younger people for not achieving - primarily in athletics, which was a domain in which I don't think I ever pleased him.
I'm not certain why I'm writing this. All I know is that I feel like there are some deep-seated issues about "being a man" that I need to bring to light so that I don't fuck up any more relationships.